Two Grandmas

Lately, Max has been concerned with death, as his awareness of it grows. He posed his question to me:

Max: "Mom, who will be my grandma if Grandma dies?"
Me: "Nana will still be your grandma."
Max: "WHAT?" "I have TWO grandmas?!"
Me: "Yeah, what did you think Nana was?"
Max: "Just a person."

Then, I elaborated a little bit about the family tree and where his grandmas stood, relative to his father and I. To make sure he understood, he reiterated back to me:

"So Nana is daddy's mommy and the old one with the two dogs is your mommy."

Ouch!

The Less Glamorous Side of Motherhood

Just now I was changing Lauren's diaper. It was a poopie diaper. Not a solid, nor a liquid, but rather a mousse like consistency. I unfastened the diaper and lifted her slightly, by the legs, as I reached for the wipes, at which point she coughed. Coughing might not have been so bad, except for the force of her cough made her fart...twice. Now even baby farts are not such a big deal except for the fact that she still had poop mousse all over her little bottom . Her little fart blew that poop mousse all over my arm!!! Blech! Twice. I had to wipe off her bottom as quick as I could before she coughed again.

Another time, Lauren walked into the living room, where I had been sitting and offered me her fingers, so gingerly. Without even thinking about it, I kissed them. Then I smelled the poop. She had been digging in her diaper and gotten it on her fingers...and I kissed it (cringe). I jumped up and dashed to the bathroom, faster than a speeding bullet, to wash my mouth off with soap. Truly disgusting!

A Couple of Trueisms

I can't seem to remember to pick up the dog's water dish each day, BEFORE one of my girls has dumped it all over the floor.

No matter how many toys I pick up off the floor, there are more toys to pick up.

Upon initial investigation, Max is never guilty of anything.

If something is missing, look outside the doggy door first.

If Brooke is screaming and crying, Lauren has two of something in her possession.

If You Were a Fly on the Wall

If you were a fly on the wall, at my house...


Lauren: (walks in the living room with an empty bathroom wipes box).
Me: "Box! You have a box!"
Lauren: (hands the box to me).
Me: (looking around for a toy to put in the box for her...seeing a small figurine of Woody from the Disney/Pixar movie Toy Story laying on the floor) "Here's a Woody for your box!" (realizing what I've just said to my 1 1/2 year old daughter, looking around sheepishly to see if anyone noticed).

Max is learning to read, therefore sounding out various words throughout the day. My husband overhears him in the bathroom...
Max: "T"..."A"..."M"..."P"..."O"..."N"...


Me: (scratching my leg...something my husband always tells me to stop)
Max: "Stop scratching!"
Me: "Why?"
Max: "When Daddy's not here, I'm the boss!"


Max and I were laying on the bed, watching some television and he takes both hands and starts shaking my stomache...
Me: "You know, mommy used to have a skinny, flat belly."
Max: "I like your squishy belly. I don't want you to have a skinny belly."

Max was watching the cartoon "Happily Never After," and the main villain, a woman, was wearing a very clingy outfit. His face lights up and he shouts out: "BOOBS!"
.....like father, like son.


Recently, I assigned the "Baby Got Back" song as a ringtone for someone on my cellphone. I've also been singing it to the kids to make them laugh. This morning, Max was absentmindedly singing it himself:
Max: "I like big, fat butts!!! Big, fat, squishy butts! I can't lie!"....sigh.

Lost in Translation

Max: (rubbing his head, walks into my room) "Owwwww!"
Me: "What's wrong Max?"
Max: "I bumped into myself."

Max: (pouring some salt into the palm of his hand and tasting it)
Me: "How do you like that?"
Max: "Needs sugar!"

Dammit!

I allow my son to say dammit! I don't know if that's as unusual as I imagine, but I don't know any other kids who are allowed to get away with it, except for maybe Max's cousins. He always says it appropriately. For example...

Max: "Where's daddy?"
Me: "At work."
Max: "Dammit!"

or

Max: "DAMMIT!"
Me: "What's wrong?"
Max: "I got pee on my underwear!"

I've explained to him that he should not say this at school and that not all grown ups will think it's okay that he says this. I've told him that his dad and I don't think it's a big deal, but to be respectful if anyone asks him not to say it when we're not around. My husband always says that profanity is his second language. I don't swear very much, but I'm sure that Max hears a very frustrated "shit!" or "dammit!" from me from time to time. I feel like a hypocrite by using words that he is prohibited from. After all, if he shouldn't use them, then neither should we. And in the long run, they're just words. I think it's sort of ridiculous when people substitute their cursing words. I mean who cares if you say "damn" or "darn?" The sentiment is the same.

My Three Children

Let me start by saying I don't want to start labeling my girls with adjectives that will someday serve them as self-fulfilling prophecies. It's not necessary to me that they see themselves through my eyes. Quite the contrary. I would like for them to look in a mirror and define themselves, rather than let the perceptions of another define them. I try not to refer to one or the other as "the smart one," "the creative one," "the moody one" or any of the like. That being said, my two girls evoke such different emotions from me.

Lauren is pensive. She looks worried and carries a furroughed brow much of the time. I feel such intensity from her...such sensitivity. I stare into her eyes and see my own reflection in her soulful, blue irises. She causes me to reflect. She causes me to search her face for clues. I want to see what she sees. I want to know myself as she knows me. There is no lying to those eyes. I want to hold her close and tell her that everything's going to be just fine. Sometimes, I don't feel that she is at peace unless she is in my arms.

Brooklyn makes me laugh. She smiles a lot. Sometimes all it takes is to make eye contact. She bursts into sunshine and I am showered in her warmth. She's generous with her hugs and you are never quite sure if you are holding her or she is holding you. She clings to my side like a spider monkey with absolute confidence. Her posture becomes perched. She's not quick to cry, but when she does, it is heart wrenching and inflicts a wound to the soul.

Max is often a contradiction of description. He can be sensitive and loving and then oblivious and rough. He will teach my girls to be tough. I'm glad, because it will help them to develop confidence. He still has an air of innocence, that can so easily start to slip away, even at such an young age. Yet at times, he broods like an old man. He is struggling with independence and beams with delight at his accomplishments. In moments of peaceful stillness, his tender expression comforts me. If I could give pause, I would stop the universal clock from ticking in those moments.

Cold Coffee

• Make a fresh cup of coffee.
• Nature calls before taking that first sip, head for the bathroom.
• Notice trash can in bathroom almost overflowing.
• Finish up and take bathroom trash out.
• On the way, grab stray baby diapers and sippy cup sitting on dresser from last night.
• Add diapers to bathroom trash, drop sippy cup off in the kitchen sink and take trash outside.
• Pop in a DVD for Max.
• Scoop Brooke up off of the floor and plop her into high chair for breakfast.
• Take a sip of cold coffee.
• Make cereal for Brooke.
• Play tug of war with Brooke over spoon while feeding-get up to get her a spoon of her own to hold and pop coffee back into micrwave oven on the way back.
• Continue feeding Brooke when Max yells, "MOM!"
• Look over to see Lauren has tipped over a tall, potted plant and most of the soil is now on the floor.
• Re-pack the potting soil, noting it's dryness.
• Put plant outside on front porch for watering, bring two others with it.
• Water houseplants and get distracted, continuing to water a few of the porch plants when Max yells, "MOM!"
• Return to the dog trying to get at the remainder of the baby food.
• Try to continue feeding Brooke, who is no longer interested.
• Remove her from high chair and insert Lauren in her place.
• Retrieve cold coffee from microwave oven, which has been beeping.
• Take two slugs of cold coffee and stick it back into the microwave.
• Get a bottle of formula for Brooke, who is complaining loudly, and plop her into a carseat with the bottle propped up with blankets.
• Attempt to feed Lauren...Yes!!...She is hungry and eating well.
• Interupt Lauren's breakfast to get Max a cup of milk.
• Grab a cracker for Lauren to keep her happy while I get the milk.
• Look for Max, then hear him yell, "MOM!" from the other room.
• Max is now pooping. "Do you need me to wipe you?" "No." "Why did you call me in here?" "I love you." "I love you too Max...call me when you're done." "Okay."
• Return to feeding Lauren, sit down, when Max yells "MOM!" "I'm done!"
• Return to Max, wipe his bum and wash my hands.
• Return to feeding Lauren, who is no longer interested.
• Put her on the floor to play.
• Give Max his cup of milk.
• Get my coffee out of the microwave...it's cold.
• Grab a couple of ice cubes and try for iced cofee instead.

Brookenstein

The only way I can think of to describe Brooke's smiles, is a quote from a movie...

"She has 600 different smiles. They can light up your life. They can make you laugh out loud, just like that."

She laughs and smiles quickly and readily, which encourages people to respond to her wherever we go.

When you pick her up, you have to be careful not to do it too quickly, as the momentum can almost make you launch her airborne, as she feels so light. In actuality, she is not. She is in between the 75th and 90th percentiles for her height and weight. Nevertheless, she is quite compact and muscular. She has washboard abs and it's easy to misjudge her size. She will cling to you like a spider monkey, either burying her face in your neck or confidently facing outward, for a bird's eye view.

She has been standing since she could sit. When we first started to pull her into a sitting position, she immediately crunched her tummy muscles and locked her little legs in place, amazing us all. She has been standing ever since. She crawled the same day that she sat up on her own with support and she pulled herself up into a standing position only 17 days later. All this happened during her 6th month of life. We are expecting her to walk any day now, as she frequently stands without support.

It's hard to get a photograph of her that isn't blurry. She is always in motion. It's hard to feed her, dress her, bathe her and change her diaper...all because she won't hold still. When I put her into her Jumperoo, she starts "jumping" before I can even lower her into it.

Even though she often gets "punked" by Lauren, she has learned to get a few licks in from time to time, as I have caught her flapping her arms on Lauren, in effect beating on her.

Brooke loves to eat the dog's dry kibble food and we must pick it up from the floor often. She is our daddy's girl and just melts at the sight of him. She is cuddly and affectionate when she is in the mood, otherwise, don't restrain her! She will hoot and hollar until you break her restraints.

Brooke is active, social and independent. She is an absolute joy!

Should I Worry?

So Max and I are sitting around, just hanging out together, while the babies are asleep. He is lounging on the sofa, playing games on my iphone and I am sitting on the floor, watching the movie, "Sex and the City."

Max is completely involved in his games and not really paying attention to the movie...or so I think. A scene comes on where Samantha is fixing sushi for her boyfriend and then lays down, naked, arranging the sushi on herself, in anticipation of his homecoming for Valentines day. Anyway, Max happens to look up and asks "what is she doing?" I reply, "she's making sushi and then she put in her naked self as a joke." Then Max says, "I wish I could have shooshi on me when I'm naked too." Should I worry?

Professor Lauren

My girl Lauren is in the 100th percentile for her height and weight. When you pick her up, she is quite substantial to hold. Despite her size, she has a very feminine personality. She has shown a lot of interest in studying her long, slender fingers, undulating them in the air, staring at them intently...as if trying to understand how they work.

She's definitely a "mommy's girl" and is not very happy when I'm absent. It's easy to get a sense of depth, when you gaze into her eyes, which she can do for lengthy periods. People often comment that she is "so serious," when they fail to make her laugh easily. I don't think they notice how intensely they're being evaluated by her, as she fails to respond to their antics and, instead, studies the details of their face. She scares easily and she cries easily.

Lauren is also a thief. She steals everything and anything from her sister. Even if she already has the same item in her hand, she will reach over and take Brooke's away from her, much to Brooke's well displayed dismay!

Lauren is not the squeaky wheel. If I chose a single word to describe her temperament, it would be "chill," because that's how laid back she is. She's content just to hang out, most of the time and does not get into a lot of trouble...so far. She loves to vocalize and practices "bah bah bah..." and "mah mah mah."

She loves laying underneath the electronic birdy mobil, holding the remote control and making it go off and on. She flaps her arms and rocks back and forth with absolute joy when I present her with the Gymbo the Clown puppet.

She's a sweet, sensitive soul...my little Professor Lauren.

This One and That One

Recently, another mom of twins asked me if I called my girls "this one" and "that one." I thought about it for a minute, reflecting back on when they were in utero and I called them Thing One and Thing Two or Baby A and Baby B. As far as nick-names are concerned, my husband and son have started calling our girls "Professor Lauren" and Brookie-Sue." We also call them little "chickens." I couldn't think of any instances when I had called them "this one" or "that one." Then, today, it happened. Not only did I call them "this one" and "that one," but I also refer to them as "the other one."

Me: "Max, can you get me a diaper for this one?"
Max: (bringing back two diapers)
Me: "I didn't need a diaper for the other one."
Max: "Which one?"
Me: "That one (as I point to the baby who doesn't need diapering).

So there was my moment of recognition..."OMYGOD, I call them THIS ONE and THAT ONE!"
How tacky.

Can't Sleep, Must Blog

I've been feeling so guilty about not blogging lately. Even more so, for not journaling about my baby girls...and Max. When Max was around 4 months old, I had started a journal about him. I journaled for two reasons. First, because I needed an outlet to express all my feelings and experiences as a new mother and second, because I wanted him to have a record of himself and to someday know how much he was loved and cherished.

From there, I created a blog, being careful not to clutter it up with any other subject but him. I turned the blog into books, so that if the blog ever ceased to exist, I would have a record of it. I used http://www.heritagemakers.com/ and couldn't be happier with the outcome.

Anyway, my days are full of thoughts about record keeping, blogging, filling out baby books, etc., but the reality is, I just never seem to fit any of it in. It is so overwhelming to take care of two infants and a 4 year old, pretty much all by myself, on a daily basis. A lot of things get redistributed to the bottom of the priority list, almost on an hourly basis. This being said, I'll be darned if I let this time slip away without making a record of it for my children.

So it is with renewed vigor, that I plan to get my butt back in gear. And now, at 3:22am, I will try to go back to sleep, having purged my guilt.

Shit!

Scott told Max,"I said "ship!" Max wasn't buying the story. After Scott and I exchanged wide-eyed glances, we went back to looking at the computer screen. Moments later, Max exlaimed "shit, SHIT, s-h-i-t, ShIt, sHiT, shit, SHIT," etc., etc.

I suppose a more appropriate reaction, as a parent, would have been to correct him for using the word. Instead, we both started laughing (silently, of course). I had to turn my head so that he didn't see that I was busting up. As Max continued to try that word on, for size, I ran for the camcorder. Again, maybe not the most appropriate reaction, but I'm sure it will be cherished in years to come. I haven't looked at the footage yet, to make sure I actually caught my little lyricist, cussing like a sailor. He did look back at me and stopped when he realized I was filming him.

"99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"

I took Max to have an MRI on Monday. This is because he is still walking around like twinkle toes and at his age (over 3 years), it could be an indicator of some thing neural. So I agreed to the MRI as a means of ruling anything serious out.

When I got there, I was unaware that I was supposed to have "sleep deprived" him. I was also unaware that they were going to be giving him an oral syrup to drug him to sleep. Max does not do well with oral syrups. After a lot of production on the doctor and the clinic's part (they practically wanted me to wrap Max up in a straight jacket and force feed it to him, which I would absolutely never agree to), I finally asked them "couldn't I just give it to him in a Sprite?", to which they hemmed and hawed about, before finally giving me the okay. Max drank it right down.

Then they sat us in a closet sized room with a small, padded bench...in the dark...and expected Max to fall asleep whilst I held him. To make a long story shorter, as is common in the 3-5 year range, Max fought like a trooper and never fell asleep. To help facilitate things, they told me to take him for a ride in the car and see if that would do it. On the way to the car, and the reason for this post, Max was flung over the xray tech.'s shoulder, singing like a drunken sailer, his slurred version of "jingle bells." I was surpised not to hear "99 bottles of beer on the wall" come out of his mouth at this point. It would have seemed an appropriate accompaniment with all the stumbling, the head rolling and the singing. I was giggling so hard I had tears in my eyes. Max was sooooo drugged, yet he refused to give in to it.

He finally did fall asleep in the car, but by the time we got him back onto the xray table, he was waking again and we never did get that MRI. Apparently he will need to have a general anaesthesia to do that and I'm not sure that I want to proceed that route.

Max the Dog

Max was outside, in the backyard. He was waiting for some friends to arrive, so that they might go swimming together, in our hot-tub. He was wearing a pair of swim trunks when I sent him out there. When I happened to look out the back door, to check on him, I noticed that he was naked...again...nothing new for Max. But when I noticed his side-to-side gait, I knew something was wrong...

Me: "Max, what are you doing?"
Max: "Nothing"
Me: "Put your shorts back on"
Max: "I can't"
Me: "Why not?"
Max: "I got poopoo"
Me: "Well get in the house and let's get you cleaned up"

The conversation continues in the bathroom...

Me: "What happened? Did you have an accident?"
Max: "No"
Me: "Then why do you have poopoo on you?"
Max: "I pooped like Morgan" (Morgan is our dog)
Me: "you WHAT?"
Max: "I pooped like Morgan"
Me: "On the GROUND?"
Max: "yeah"
Me: heavy sigh

I won't bore you with the details of my lecture about how people use the potty and dogs go outside, on the ground, but I'm hoping we won't have a repeat performance...ever.

Marking His Territory

Max has been such a gentle and affectionate brother to his baby sisters. I can't stand how cute he is with them. He kisses their heads and rests his cheeks on the top of their heads, closing his eyes and rubbing against them ever so softly. Then he looks up and me and exclaims "she smells good."

I'm trying, but failing miserably, not to nag him about his behavior with regards to these girls. I don't want him to feel jealous, alienated or resentful towards them. It's quite hard, because I have to constantly remind him not to jump on the bed (when they are laying on the bed), not to squeal loudly in their faces, sometimes to keep quiet or stop touching them while they are sleeping or trying to fall asleep, etc. He has stormed out of the room a few times when I have shown my aggravation with him.

A couple of days ago I sent him into the baby room to get me a few diapers. Apparently, he couldn't find them, because he came back empty handed. When I got up to fetch the diapers myself, I noted that the carpet was wet, in front of the changing table. When I asked Max about it, he ran into another room, just before announcing that it was "pee-pee." I lost my patience and yelled at him before sending him to his room, where I told him to go to sleep (it was late anyway, but Max doesn't yet sleep in his bedroom, by himself). I felt awful afterwards. He was asleep in about two minutes. After he fell asleep, I picked him up and carried him back to my room, because I couldn't stand to have my sweet, impish, little man banished.

I wondered if it was a coincidence that he peed in their room or if he was simply marking his territory. Max has experimentally peed in other places before, so it wouldn't have been the first time he emptied somewhere inappropriately. On the other hand, I have read stories about children reacting to a new baby in exactly this way. Maybe I'll never know, but I do know that I need to step up my efforts to make sure Max doesn't feel like everything he does is wrong.

An End to "The Pregnancy"

I'm not sure if these photos really look so different in the belly area. The first was taken on July 8, this year, the morning that I delivered my twin girls. The second picture was taken on August 18, 2004, the day before I delivered my son. Max weighed 8lbs., 6oz. and the combined weight of my girls was 13lbs., 2oz. The difference felt huge to me. It's kind of like having that little piece of popcorn hull stuck between your teeth...even though it's quite thin, it feels like you have a 2 x 4 piece of lumber stuck there. I was definitely more bloated this time around too.

Anyway, my girls were born on July 8 at 12:23pm. They were taken from my body via c-section. That was no fun at all. I suppose actually going into labor wouldn't have been much fun either and I don't know, for sure, which would have been the lesser of two evils. The weight of the babies crushing all of my organs while I laid flat on my back was incredible. I thought I was going to have a panic attack, because I wasn't able to breath sufficiently, in that position. Then, when the assistant surgeon started to actually PUSH on my stomach to get the babies out while my OB pulled...all I could do was try and psych myself into remaining "there" and not passing out.

After spending two days in the hospital, we were all ready to go home. Brooklyn had a little trouble with her sucking abilities and both girls had lost a little weight. Both were within normal ranges. I had become slightly anemic, but also got the green light to go home. Within 10 days of being home, I've lost 40 pounds out of 40 gained.

At home, things have gone surprisingly smooth. I have a wonderful mother and mother-in-law who have been by our sides to fill in the gaps and lend a loving hand. My husband was able to take two weeks off from working and having him home was so nice. It really completed our family and Max got to spend some special times with his dad.

Both girls are good sleepers and I've been able to get much more sleep than I ever did when Max was a baby. I have them sleeping in a Pack n Play, set up like a bassinett, on my side of the bed. They are about two feet away from me, at most. Max is still sleeping in our bed with us. I don't plan on transitioning him to a bed of his own until it's clear, to him, that it has nothing to do with his sisters coming into our lives and displacing him. And we really do like him being there, with us, anyway.

We've already noticed some differences between the two girl's personalities. Lauren is more laid back and Brooklyn is a bit fussier. Lauren is also quieter and Brooklyn makes all kinds of squeeky sounds. Lauren didn't move around nearly as much as Brooklyn did while they were in utero, and things seem to be consistent there as well. I can't wait to see how these girls will be different and how they will be similar.

I'm just so in love with these baby girls, their brother and their father, that my heart feels full everyday.

1 Day Left

I'm so happy I can't even express it.
I'm doing the happy dance all day long (on the inside, of course).
I'm even looking forward to meeting these babies!!!
I havn't much else to say about any of this, just that I think they are happy where they are and would probably stay in there for the full 40, if I were to let them. No thanks. So, happy birthday, in advance, to my two baby daughters!!!

A Little Experiment-3 Days Left

So last night, or was that this morning? I guess it WAS this morning, technically. Scott got home around 3 or 3:30am and had jumped in the shower. The poor thing was slapped, spit-on and scratched by some transient woman from the train on his overtime shift and he wanted to make sure he was germ free before getting into bed with Max and I (bless his poor, grossed out heart...lol).

Since I usually wake up at this time each night, to engage in a couple hours of scratching my itchy rash and applying useless creams, I thought I would try something different. A shower!!! And some selsun blue!

Well, I don't know if it's going to help anything, but I'm going to do this every day until I have these babies to see if it does. I guess there's no reason to think it will. It's not as if this rash is any kind of fungus. Still, I feel better about trying something than trying nothing. So I sudsed up with Selsun Blue all over my itchy back, legs, arms, etc. The scrubbing/sudsing action felt good, if nothing else.

Just Kickin Back-4 Days Left

A very uneventful 4th of July today. We did nothing to celebrate. Scott worked and I spent the day hanging out with Max and my Mother-in-Law. It was really nice.

After showing me the newest batch of clothing she picked up for the girls, she unloaded almost all the stuff I had left on my baby registry too...lots of Born Free bottles, a travel wipe warmer, some formula canister/carriers, the cutests diaper bag ever and plenty of other miscellaneous items! This woman spoils me to no end!

We also discovered that I had NOT packed up a sufficient diaper bag, as I thought I had, so she helped me with that too. That was fun, because I got to load up the new diaper bag with some clothing and swaddling blankets for the ride home, some really cute, teeny-weeny diapers and whatever else a diaper bag would need.

So today was really relaxing for me and it was nice to just lay low, with some good company.

Nothing new to report on the baby-front. Everything's holding steady.

The Wisdom of Men-5 Days Left

Today was the last appointment with my OB/Gyn until my surgery next Tuesday. He checked my amniotic fluid and made sure everything looked good on his prehistoric ultrasound machine.

Then we discussed all my current "symptoms." I don't have a bladder infection, even though it feels like it. That's good. Feeling like it is still bad though. He said the babies are pressing on it. Nothing we can do about that.

The fluid in my lungs: Nothing we can do about that either. I've already gone through two rounds of steroid and antibiotics. It's probably just a factor of all the liquid/fluid/mucous that's a normal part of pregnancy.

My edema: Looks the same in my feet and legs, but he did comment on the pedicure I got yesterday afternoon. In my belly, the same too. He did manage to focus on the most painful areas to do his ultrasound, so by the time he was finished I wanted to slap him.

I have lost 4 pounds since my last visit with him, which was one or two weeks ago. I can't remember right now and I'm too lazy to look it up and be accurate. In any case, he thought it was probably from further cutting out sodium from my diet. I don't know. Wouldn't my edema have improved? Oh well.

The PUPPP rash: It continues to get worse. My back is completely covered in itchy bumps. His explanation for why I can't have the prescription strength hydrocortisone cream was..."I think you would bathe in the stuff, if I gave it to you" and "I would give it to you if it was just isolated areas, here and there, but the rash is too widespread for that kind of application." So basically, my rash is too BAD for treatment. If is wasn't nearly so severe, he would treat it???????? The wisdom of men never fails to amuse me.

No More NST's-6 Days Left

Yesterday was the last NST I will have to have at the hospital. I still don't know how I managed to get a win on that one with my doctor. I didn't want to keep the appointment I had for that one yesterday, after looking at some of my insurance EOB's. It's costing us just over 50 bucks a pop for these monitorings, twice a week. That doesn't even include my doctor visits, perinatal ultrasounds, gestational diabetes appointments or any lab work. I shudder to think what these past two months are costing us in medical bills and we have excellent insurance (pays out at about 90%).

Anyway, because they are always so uneventful and so difficult for me to just walk through the parking lot and hospital, I had started complaining about these appointments. I do have one last appt. with my OB, so he can ultrasound me there and check on me one last time in his office.

I also asked him for a prescription strength hydrocortisone cream for this rash, but he says it's not safe. Argh! I have read about other women being prescribed prescription cream for their rash. My doctor is a great advocate for these babies, but he doesn't do diddley for me. Man, this is one really great example of needing a female doctor who can actually relate to a pregnancy. This guy just doesn't get it. I know of cases where the doctors have delivered because the mother was having lots of symptoms and discomfort, but not him.

So I'm spending a good deal of my day scratching still. The rash continues to spread. Most of what I do for relief still does nothing. He suggested I try the oral Benadryl every 4 to 6 hours, but that's just going to put me to sleep all day. Not that I would mind, but it's kind of hard to hang out with a 4 year old while you're nodding out. Oh yeah, and I still have a few apts. to keep, albeit not the NST's.

The lower part of my belly still feels like it's inflamed and infected, although I know it's just the edema. I still can't even touch that area without it hurting quite a lot. And it's in the way too. I can't wear anything around the belly and I can't wear anything that sits right under it. So all I can wear now are loose dresses. The nurses always comment on how sore it looks when they are hooking monitors up to me.

Probably the most recent development is that it hurts to pee. It's starting to feel a little like a bladder infection. I don't know if it's just because the babies are so big and low now or if I could actually be developing a bladder infection. I guess I will mention it at my next OB apt. on Thursday.

I had a couple of crowns put on my teeth yesterday and the dentist made a suggestion that I eat some dairy with acidophilous in it. I guess she said my tongue looked a little "yeasty." I guess that wouldn't surprise me after being on two rounds of anti-biotics, back to back. Ugh.

At this point I have considered asking my husband to take a little time off on the front end of these babies coming, but I haven't gotten around to mentioning it yet. I guess I'm still trying to hold out.

Thanks for All the Support-7 Days Left

I just wanted to say thanks to all the supportive people that have kept me hanging on all this time, with their uplifting words and their shoulders to lean on. I've been so lucky with nurses, blog readers, mom's club members, family members, friends and the occasional stranger, being so supportive and it's helped a lot.

With such a difficult pregnancy, I have complained a LOT. And there have been many ears to listen. And not just listen, but to remind me that there is going to be a joyous payoff at the end. And to all you kind listeners who reminded me that it was not self indulgent to wallow in my pregnancy misery, but validated just how tough this really is, you knew how to comfort me when I really needed to hear those words.

I have also had much appreciation for those people who have constantly reminded me that having these twins is a true blessing...and one that they are confident I can handle. It's priceless to have people in your life who point out how competent you will be at something, rather than what a rough road you are going to face and how tough it's going to be. The mothers in my "mothers of multiples group" have been especially supportive in this way.

Another insecurity I've had is how my boy Max is going to handle all this. So another thanks goes to those who have persisted in letting me know that he will be just fine and that I am adding richness to his life by increasing our family and not taking anything away from him.

These things have been priceless to me and these have been the words that have kept me going through this most difficult endeavor.
Much love to all of you,
Kathy

Still Incubating-8 Days to Go

I seriously NEVER thought I would be pregnant, with two babies, this long. I can't believe how stretched my belly is. No noticeable marks, but very big for a person of my size. And I am feeling it. The aching and tightness are sooooo uncomfortable. I'm in pain with every single step I take. Standing feels like a torturous activity. Walking even worse. For the first time, I'm actually more comfortable laying down on one side, with pillows, strategically tucked. And laying down is no picnic either.

Thank goodness for http://www.albertsons.com or I would probably not have food in the house. The only thing I leave the house for, is my doctor appointments and to take Max to preschool twice weekly.

The itching: It has become so profuse, that I literally spend hours, daily, just scratching and applying useless lotions and creams. I take a useless Aveeno Colloidal Oatmeal bath every day too. At night, I take useless oral Benadryl in addition to the topical stuff I apply during the day. Now that I'm off of the Prednisone again, I'm going to ask the OB for a prescription strength hydro-cortisone cream that I'm also certain will be useless. What started out mainly on my lower back, sides and upper thighs, has now spread to my entire back, my arms, my legs, a small patch on my upper belly and my chest area.

36 Weeks

This photo of my belly does not really do it justice, because of the angle, I think. I will try to post something else, with a better depiction, so you can get the FULL effect!

Today I had another NST, which did go well, as the babies are very reactive and move around enough for me to usually get out of there quickly. The bad thing was that this is my second test in a row (urine test) where they said I had ketones in my urine. And this is only the second time I have ever had it tested, so who knows how long that's been going on. So, apparently, I've been keeping my blood sugar in check with my diet, but at the expense of eating enough. Not good. I will have to call my dietician tomorrow to talk about it and I will have to go over it with the OB, when I see him on Thursday.

Currently, I'm on 875mg., daily, of Amoxicillan, more Prednisone, more Hycodan and more Albuterol. Already I've noticed a reduction in the coughing...again. I'm worried about the Prednisone raising my blood sugar, but I'm also hoping it will help my rash.

I also saw the perinatologist today and found out that the babies are still doing well, getting enough oxygen, have plenty of amnio fluid and she confirmed that my rash does look like a PUPPP rash. The strange thing is that I don't have it all over my stomach, which is where you usually get it. It's mostly on my torso sides, the backs of my thighs and my lower back. Just a teeny bit on my stomach. The babies are estimated to be 5lbs., 12 ozs. and 6 lbs., 2 oz. So my small, 5'3" frame is carting around almost 12 pounds of baby alone. When you add that up to the weight of the placentas, etc. and all the water weight I'm sporting, I don't feel so bad about my 40 pound weight gain. I figure half of it will disappear pretty darned fast. Also, the babies are sitting "very low."


I also asked my perinatologist about the possibility of doing an amnio to see if the babies lungs were mature enough to deliver them early. Originally, this was my OB's suggestion and responce for all the begging and pleading I was doing to get an earlier delivery date than at 38 weeks. The first time I asked the perinatal office about this, I had the stress-case Doctor, who definitely advised against it. (mainly due to having to go through the placenta) Since a few weeks have passed, I asked the laid-back Doctor, who said it was no problem to do it (in spite of the placenta issue), but that they will only do it if my OB is ready to deliver me today or the next day. Apparently, there are some legal issues about them doing this and then not delivering the babies right away. Anyway, I felt stuck in the middle, as she telephoned my OB, who told her to tell me that he would discuss it with me when I come in on Thursday. I call bullshit!!! It was his suggestion and his deal with me that if the perinatal office would do this, he would deliver early. Now he wants to "discuss" it again???? Ugh!!!!

Here is a picture of my foot from last night. Last night I thought this was the worst I've seen the swelling on my feet and legs, but today is even worse.

You can see the huge crease where the leg and foot meet. Also, there is no ankle. And that leg...that leg is HUMONGOUS! Normally, I have veins popping out along the surface of my feet because they're pretty slim. Yikes!

2nd Relapse

I'm starting to feel like I should start all my blogs out like this..."As if I don't have enough to complain about"...

Yes, I'm having yet another complication on top of everything else going on. I'm having my second relapse of some kind of upper respiratory trouble that started a couple of months ago.

I have been on Zithromax, Prednisone, Albuterol, Tessalon Pearls and Hycodan...all to get rid of this sinus, bronchial, asthmatic condition. In the two months, it has never been completely gone and now, this is the second time it had tapered off and then hit me like a ton of bricks again.

So I'm back to coughing deeply, spitting up goo and wheezing. I'm going through pads like crazy, as I tend to leak when I cough. My head is throbbing from the coughing, my voice is getting raspy and sore, my stomach muscles (what's left of them) are getting sore and I have to keep getting up just to go spit up into the bathroom sink. Oh the fun never ends!!!!!!

Could it be PUPPP?

Apparently, I have started to get a few red spots underneath and on the sides of my itchy belly. I noticed that yesterday. Today, when I woke up, I noticed a few more on the outsides of my breasts, underneath my arms...sort of mid-torso. I think what I'm coming down with is a case of PUPPP rash. I guess it wouldn't be such an unusual thing, considering the degree that my stomach has distended. Especially with the edema in my belly. So now, in addition to the extremely painful, waterlogged, lower belly that I can barely stand to touch, I'm going to be blessed with an additional symptom that will make me want to scratch it because it will be itching. Which, by the way, is how I first noticed I was getting a rash...I started itching like crazy!!!!! Ugh...two more weeks and 4 days...oh please come sooner, please come sooner!!!!

Two Big Ones

Yes, that's what I weigh!!! I just got on my scale and clocked in at two hundred pounds. GOOD LORD!!! I'm only 5'3". It's going to be a long road back to "normal." Whatever THAT is. In all honesty though, I started out just over 160, with about 25-35 excessive pounds to begin with. So while I am HUGE, my weight gain from this pregnancy has not qualified as obscene.

I think the diabetic diet has had a positive impact on my interest in food. I have mostly lost interest in eating and now eat to sustain my pregnancy. There is just no joy at all in this diet. Not for me anyway. I am so sick of protein foods and find myself skipping meals and snacks, just because I can't stomach another serving of cottage cheese, tofu, eggs, cheese or peanut butter. I think I feel really motivated to limit my sweets and such after this pregnancy, for fear that I end up with type II diabetes and have to actually eat this way forever.

My last NST showed mild contracting. I was given Procardia something or other and sent home after that. I guess Turbutaline is normally indicated, but not when you have gestational diabetes. My next NST is on Saturday.

Water Retention

Who knew water retention was actually painful?! Not I! I had some water retention with my previous pregnancy, but I don't remember it being like this. Not even close.

First, let me tell you about the droopy, jiggly little chin hanging off the end of my belly, right above my prior Cesarian scar...okay, I've already said it's jiggly and droopy and looks like a little chin. At first, I thought it was just a chubby spot, somewhere that my pre-existing belly fat had migrated to. But, after talking with the doctor, he said it was more likely water retention and I agree. There's no reason my belly fat would be in any pain. If anything accidentally bumps into that spot, I cringe in pain. I've taken to wearing a spandexy thingy around my middle, although I don't know that it's helping anything.

And my legs...my legs actually hurt when Max bumps into those too. I didn't realize how swollen my legs were, but it's obvious, looking at my feet. I have creases in places I shouldn't and the creases (and veins) are missing where they should be. I've been trying to keep my legs elevated, but that's not easy and not that comfortable.

So I decide to do a little "googling" about natural diuretics and learn that there's actually a lot of evidence that shows women who had water retention also had healthier babies. It has to do with blood volume levels. Also, forcing diuretic action can actually backfire and cause more retention and swelling. So it doesn't seem like there's much I can do. I don't typically salt my food, so I can't really cut back there. The most salt intake I have right now is from processed foods and I don't even think I'm eating a lot of those.

Sigh, sigh...

Faring Quite Well...Sigh...

Today was another appointment with the OB/GYN. I can't believe how well I'm doing. Dammit!!! Low blood pressure...107/72...low, stable blood sugar-without meds, no dilation, no effacing, good amnio levels, etc. And the babies are doing really well too...lots of movement, good heart rates.

The uterus, it turns out was not even irritable. The monitor readout was making a spike every time I coughed. Ugh. And to think I was medicated over that. I don't have to go back for another two weeks. But...I do have to continue with twice weekly monitoring at the hospital and 1 more high tech ultrasound with the perinatal group. By that time, I should be ready to deliver...either by choice of these twins or by the scheduled C, whichever comes first.

The babies are big, but my doctor doesn't seem to think it's because of the gestational diabetes. He thinks they're just big, healthy girls. I've been starting to retain some fluid and my feet and hands have been a bit swollen. Another strange place I'm retaining water is at the droopiest part of my belly. And that area is really sore because of it. Accidentally touching or bumping it makes me jump out of my skin in pain. I think I need to start watching my sodium intake, as I don't really know what else to do. I'll see if that helps.

Anyway, plugging ahead...

My Gastronomic Hit List

Here are a few of the foods/drinks that I am going to waste no time indulging in, after I finally deliver these two babies:

• 1 entire Lindt, milk chocolate truffle bar (sorry, honey, I'm not sharing this one)!
• A sushi/sashimi dinner!
• A meal consisting of brie, french bread, apple wedges and some wine!
• Haagen Daaz ice cream!
• Watermelon!
• A very syrupy, off the fountain, coke or cherry coke!
• A bowl of cereal, any kind at this point sounds good!
• Starbucks, grande, mocha espresso...with whip!

It's not a long list, but these are probably the things I've felt most deprived of with this pregnancy...either because it's an off limits item in general or because of the gestational diabetes.

Irritable Uterus

That's not all that's irritable. I'm getting more and more irritable with each passing day, sometimes each passing hour.

I went in for the "non stress test" today and the girls responded well. The nurse told me it was the first time she's ever seen anyone with twins finish that test in the minimal 20 minutes. They performed like troopers.

My uterus, on the other hand, was irritable. I wasn't having any "contractions," yet there were a bunch of spikes on the chart, showing increased activitie there. They ended up giving me a couple of pills, I can't recall what medication, to quiet and calm my uterus and sent me on my way.

I have to go back for another non-stress test on Monday and also another test to measure the water around the babies.

After the test today, I was in more pain than I've been in for some time. I thought I was going to throw up. The pain in my groin area is increasing and the pain under my ribs is also. The surface of my stomach is also aching and extremely sensitive to touch, in a 4-5 inch radius around my navel. Of course I keep bumping into things with my belly, just because it's so big and in the way.

I've Graduated

Isn't this lovely...I've graduated from STRESS incontinence, like being leaky when I sneeze, cough, laugh too hard or run water from the sink, with a full bladder...to just general incontinence with a full bladder...just generally leaking here and there, for no apparent reason.

The really unsatisfying aspect of this is, even when I feel like my bladder is going to pop, I go to the bathroom and it's like "dribble, dribble, dribble." The only time my bladder actually gets FULL is in the middle of the night.

I did learn, recently, that when you are on bedrest, trying to avoid preterm labor, they advise you to empty your bladder every couple of hours because it can contribute to contractions. So now, I have to ask myself, do I help them along or not? Hmmm....even as desperate as I feel about getting these babies out of me, I just don't have the gumption to "force" myself into preterm labor. Sigh.

My doctor really pissed me off though, when I got a call from his nurse, telling me my C Section is scheduled for July 8, which is exactly the day after my 38th week. Besides 38 weeks just feeling like waaaaaaaaaaay toooooooo loooooong, I resent the arrogance at setting my children's birthdate himself. Shouldn't I have some input about that!!!!?

On the bright side, I know fully well, that these babies will more than likely be on a timetable of their own. I just hope they're in sync with their mommy and that they're plenty healthy. It wouldn't be worth it if they take the babies out a little early, only to whisk them down to another hospital where they have a NICU ward.

How I'm Doing

Currently, my gestational diabetes is being controlled with diet. I've gotten the hang of it and I've really whittled my diet down to eggs, cottage cheese, tofu, vegetables, a small amount of fruit, some whole grain breads, peanut butter, lunch meats, a few artificially sweetened "treats" (and I use the word loosely) and not much else. I guess I can live with this for the sake of these babies, as it won't be for a terribly long time.

My blood pressure is quite low, most of the time, and there is no protein in my urine, which is great, because it means I don't have pre-eclampsia. I have a good amount of water surrounding the babies and my placenta is very good with no signs of placenta previa.

I've recently had some upper respiritory problems, but am taking a few meds to help me get rid of it. One of the meds is a steroid (prednisone) and may actually help develop the babies lungs. Not a bad thing, as far as I'm concerned.

Today I started getting the Non Stress Test, which I will have to do twice a week. The babies proved to be doing just fine and I only had one contraction. My cervix is measuring in at 33 cm (anything over 25 is good), so no signs of preterm labor.

The babies are estimated to be large for twins, specifically in the 51st percentil and the 67th percentile, if they were each singletons. So for being twins, these numbers make them large...they estimate baby A at about 4 lbs. 12 oz. and baby B at about 5 lbs. 8 oz. So, I am already carrying around 10 pounds of baby. Ironically, the weight of these babies have flip-flopped. At last measure, baby A was the bigger of the two. Not sure what happened there, but the Dr. was quick to remind me that these weights are merely estimates...sort of like trying to guess someone's weight by knowing their clothing size. That being said, I can concur that my babies are large.

I don't have any stretch marks on my belly and with each day that passes, I hope, pray, that I remain this way. Baby A is sitting down low in my pelvic area and I am feeling the pressure. All things considered, I'm doing well and hanging in there. With any luck though, things will progress to delivery around 36 weeks...that is what I'm hoping for. Of course I would not want that to happen at the expense of the babies.

Wish me luck!

Diabetes Sucks-and a bit of a Rant!

Well, the food is downright plech! I don't mind the vegetables, but I'm only supposed to be eating about 2 servings of fruit a day. And no milk and fruit at the same time (bye-bye smoothies). I'm also supposed to have a protein whenever I have milk, starch (which, for me, are my whole grain foods, as I'm not much of a potato or pasta eater), or fruit. Seriously, who wants to choke down a hard boiled egg or a serving of cottage cheese each time you want to have some fruit or some steel cut oats. I know there is a learning curve and with some time I will be able to get a little more creative, but so far this is booooooooor-ing!

Thank goodness for soy products, because I'm not much of a meat eater. And then on top of everything, I do believe that meat and dairy products are huge contributers to cancer. Just read some of Roger Mason's articles at http://www.youngagain.org. Click on "Article Library" for a full listing. He believes that the doctors who put you on insulin medications are quacks and that the only real way for anyone to "cure" their diabetes (provided they have a working pancreas) is to give up high fat (animal fats), high protein (animal proteins), high sugar diets, eliminating meat and dairy altogether and go back to a diet of predominantly whole grains and vegetables. Of course he also says you have to balance out your hormones, all of them, and get all the other nutrients and supplements that start to decrease as we age. I believe him. I think it's eating all that meat, dairy and sugar that gets you in trouble with type 2 diabetes in the first place. Oh, and excercise...it's essential in controlling blood sugar.

My own compromise is that I try to substitute soy meats for real meat, when I can. I try to buy organic meats that aren't treated with hormones and antibiotics, when I can. And I ALWAYS buy organic milk. Probably not good enough, but that's what I normally do.

Also, regarding Roger Mason: He has a unique perspective. He's not a dietician, nutritionist or medical doctor. His background is in chemistry. So when he tells you that "nightshade" vegetables (tomatos, potatos, peppers, eggplant, etc) are bad for you, it's not because they're not "nutritionally" good, it's because there are NEUROTOXINS in them. When he says Canola Oil is bad for you, it's because there's no such thing as a "canola" plant...it's RAPESEED oil, which was originally used industrially...It is toxic over 2% concentrations and in order to sell it for human consumption, it's processed in concentrations lower than 2%...but it's still toxic erucic acid!!! At any levels. Do YOU trust the FDA when they tell you something that is toxic is okay at specific low levels? I don't. Why is there so much alzheimers? Why is there so much Autism? Why is there so much cancer? I think it's an accumulation of all the environmental poisons, combined with all the "low level" poisons that we ingest on a daily basis. Check out some of his articles and then research what he says...make your own decisions, but be informed.

He also scrutinizes research literature. You will not find him listed on websites like http://www.quackwatch.com, but you will find some of the people that he exposes like Dr. Andrew Weil and Robert Atkins. As a matter of fact, he exposes a lot of people, practices and products that are absolutely bogus and have absolutely no legitimate research behind them.

Anyway, this gestational diabetes sucks and I keep reminding myself that it's for the good of these two babies. I would like to revamp my eating after this pregnancy and bump up the grains and vegies and start eliminating the meats and dairy, so that I don't get Type II diabetes later on.

Max Started Pre-school Today

Happy Day for Max! He's been going on and on about starting school. Somewhere he can play with "lots and lots of friends." When I brought him to his classroom, he was already playing before I had a chance to chat with the teachers for a moment. I never had any luck getting him poopy-potty trained, per the rules of the school, but they agreed to see how it goes with him. He was able to poop on command (in a diaper of course) before we left for school this morning. So for two days a week, 4 hour stints, I hope that suffices, for now.

Anyway, in true overly-hormonal-pregnant-mamma-drama, I burst into tears on my way back to the car. It's tough to leave him somewhere like that. As much as he's been driving me crazy lately, it's even more unthinkable to not have him with me.

On the other hand, I'm happy that he's having a really enriching experience. He is hungry for the interaction and he deserves to have his needs met. I've been snapping at him a lot lately, feeling spent and impatient because I'm in such an elevated state of physical stress with this pregnancy. My beautiful little boy doesn't deserve that at all. So even though I feel a little knot in my stomach with his absence, I'm really okay with it on a rational level.

So now I have a little time to just relax. And what's the first thing I do with it? Uninterupted vegging out time, on the computer with a little "spider solitaire." Ahh, the little luxuries of life!

Bellies and Toys

I'm right at the point where it's very, very difficult, if not impossible, to walk around without one of those "home depot" style back braces. Although the brace does little for my back, it does wonders to support this belly, if I position it it just right. It also has straps to help hold the belly up too. Anyway, if I'm going to do any serious standing in the house (like laundry or putting away dishes) I have to wear it. Now I wear it outside the hosue, as well, even though it's not subtle and can't be worn underneath my clothing. I do try to wear a denim jacket over it when it's not too warm out. But it's either that, or forgo the outings altogether, which I am not ready for.

Last night I took Max down to Toys R Us. I wanted to buy a couple of infant baby dolls, to start showing him how we might be treating these babies. We call them by their names; Brooklyn and Shelby. For some reason "his" baby is always Shelby and I get to tend to Brooklyn. Anyway, it was so cute to see him "interacting" with his babies. He loves feeding them, burping them and laying them down to sleep. Today I'm going to let him push them around in the double stroller for a bit.

We also picked up a Spiderman action figure. It seems that Spiderman is popular amongst other kids in his age range. I've been baffled by this, as the only Spiderman exposure there seems to be is completely inappropriate for his age. Yet all these other parents think nothing of it. No concern about the violence, the discourse and certainly not the lack of any educational element.
That being said, I figured he could play with the action figure without having to be exposed to the cartoon or the movie. No big deal.

Should I Be Worried?

Last night, before bed, I was talking to Max about the impending arrival of his two baby sisters. I explained to him that after a while, the doctor would take the babies out of mommy's belly and we would have them in the house with us. I told him that they would love him very much and he would have fun helping to take care of them and play with them.

Then he added, with a tone of earnest sincerity..."and I can step on them and make them cry?"

I just stared at him for a moment; shocked. Then explained that "no, we're not going to make the babies cry, we're going to love them and kiss them and give them bottles of milk to make them stop crying."

Should I be worried?

Lunch, Dinner & Snacks

So yesterday I ate salad with veggies, avocado and feta cheese for lunch. I also ate a hard boiled egg with mayo and wasabi. The days snacks were celery topped with salmon flavored cream cheese and wasabi and also peanut butter & celery. I also had a handful of almonds. For dinner I had cottage cheese and a hot dog with a slice of cheese.

Sometime during the day, my blood sugar was tested, thanks to my MIL, and it was 106. Good enough. BUT...let me add that I felt like crap the whole day. First of all, I'm sure I didn't meet my daily nutrient or caloric needs for a pregnancy. I also think that the LACK of sugars in my blood made me feel horrible and sleepy.

Today I have stuck to the low carb way as well, eating the soy chorizo and eggs for breakfast again, another handful of almonds and a piece of celery with salmon cream cheese and wasabi. I broke down and had a yogurt that had 17g of carbs in it because I am feeling weak. I ate 3/4 of it.

Tomorrow, I will stop this madness and eat much healthier, because I am having that 3 hour glucose test and will have that behind me. I won't go back to my diet of lots of sweets, but I will add back in the right kinds of carbs (ie. cereals, breads, brown rice, legumes). Then I will wait for the results of my test.

I woke up in the wee morning hours, last night, and watched a show called "You, the Owners manual..." It was a bit of a wake-up call to change my eating habits. Garbage in, garbage out. I want to be alive and healthy for a good long time to be with my children. That's not going to happen if I keep up my old habits. I went to Dr. Oz's website, http://www.realage.com and took the test to see what my body's real age is. It was just over 48 years old and I'm only 43. I really liked the site. It gave meal suggestions, recipes and shopping list...not to mention a whole lot of very good information.

I also reserved a few of his books at my local library. I want to be healthy again. I want to feel like I have energy again. I want to live long, without a list of medical complaints, threats or excuses.

Breakfast

2 eggs, scrambled with;
soy chorizo, topped with;
sour cream
and some steak

Carb factor...maybe 6 carbs
Satisfaction factor...0

Max wouldn't eat the waffle I made him and it's killing me to throw it away instead of just eating it, like I normally would (He wanted a "Lunchable" instead).

Not in the Clear, Like I Thought

So, today was not a great day at the OB office. A couple of weeks ago, they told me they would only call me if my blood glucose test came back too high. I hate that kind of an answer and I've learned my lesson about allowing that kind of responce. From now on, I'm going to make them call me one way or the other. BECAUSE, since they hadn't called me, I thought I was in the clear and passed it. INSTEAD, they had not even received the results from the lab and had to have the lab fax them over while I was there today.

I guess I was allowed to have a reading up to 140, with no worries. It turns out my blood sugar level was 209. So now I have to find time to sit around the lab for 3 hours while they retest me. And you have to sit RIGHT THERE. They don't let you wander away, in case you GET SICK...ugh! My doctor has advised me to stay away from sugar and eat a low carb diet. Something he has been advising me of from the beginning, but which I have ignored.

A typical day's diet might be something like this for me:

Upon waking:
Blueberry toast and tea...maybe a couple of slices

Actual breakfast:
cereal with milk or pancakes or blintzes or waffles and some fruit

Snacks:
carrots dipped in hummus
apple
ice cream
jelly beans
pita chips and tzaziki


lunch:
maybe a sandwich or some frozen food from trader joes...maybe cereal...cream of wheat with loads of butter and brown sugar...who knows

dinner:
a lot like lunch, maybe something healthier if Scott is home and I actually cook

drinks:
orangina
milk
sprite

My day also consists of eating things I make for Max, but which he later refuses or doesn't finish. Mostly I just graze throughout the day because I can't eat a whole meals worth at once. I can survive off of toast and cereal alone sometimes. Needless to say, I am a carb junkie.

So...we will see what happens when I retake this test on Thursday. I really don't want to have gestational diabetes. No one ever does. But I really, really, don't want to have to deal with this. Ugh!!!!

On a more positive note, my weight gain was only 2 1/2lbs. and that was all baby!!!

So Far, So Good

I had a perinatal apt. today and all was well. The babies are weighing in at around 30 weeks and I am 28 1/2 weeks along. The ultrasoundologist (I know that's not what they're called) said "you have really big babies, for having twins...normally they weigh in about a week BEHIND schedule."

I'm showing no signs of pre-term labor, so I am cleared for another 4 weeks, until I need to go back for further violations. So while all is well, I still feel like garbage. My whole midsection HURTS! There really isn't any position that I'm comfortable enough in to feel any kind of relief. Staying off my feet helps the most. I also have plans to try and start spending some time in a pool. That's one of the few things that makes the body feel weightless and will relieve the incredible pressure of gravity pulling on this massive belly.

Baby "A" is recessed further into my abdomen and on my left side. She is the bigger 3lb 8 oz. of the two. Baby "B" is on my right side and pushing against the surface. She weighs about 3lb 11 oz. I'm convinced that baby "B" is going to be a kickboxer someday. She kicks me and stretches out her legs all the time, leaving me with the feeling like she's going to break through the surface and find her own way out.

Max had his gymnastics class this morning. Later, this afternoon, I took him to Chuck E. Cheese for a couple of hours. He keeps busy dropping tokens into the various games and I read a book. I know it would be nicer if I was playing with him, but in the spirit of keeping off of my feet, I think he made out pretty well.

Why Don't I Blog?

I've been trying to keep true to the title of my blog. By that, I mean I have refrained from blogging about myself and have kept to telling of Max. So I ask myself why I rarely feel inspired enough to tell any stories. I think the answer is that I usually only blog about the most noteworthy things. And lately, we have been stuck in the house quite a lot. This is because of my twin pregnancy. It's been a rough one on me, physically. I've been in a lot of discomfort and find that I cann't even stand for very long. So poor little Max's life has taken a turn and he has been acting out a bit, due to the sudden shift in activity level. I'm doing what I can to alleviate that, but until I can get him into preschool, it's a challenge. He refuses to poop in a potty, rather than requesting a diaper for the deed, and his preschool requires him to be fully potty trained. We're working on it, but as I write this, he is begging for his morning diaper so he can poop. I don't have the heart to cut him off cold-turkey, despite the advice of many moms who have had success doing just that. His pediatritian doesn't recommend it either.

Anyway, I'm going to try to blog a bit more, but just for the record, it's going to be anything goes...maybe I will talk about Max and maybe I will just use this as an opportunity to complain about all my physical discomfort. Ugh!

SMELL!

Max ran towards me, shreiking"mommy!" with his index finger pointed towards me. Immediately thinking he had a boo-boo that needed tending to, I kissed it. Max exclaimed "no mommy," as he stuck his finger down the back of his shorts and back up to my face, shouting "SMELL!" Mortified, I shrieked and ran to the bathroom to wash my mouth off with soap!!

A Little Wound Up

Last night we bought a Honda Odyssey. We opted for a used vehicle from a dealership so that we could have the Honda Certified Warranty. That was all fine. What wasn't fine, was how long we were at the dealership. Somewhere around 6 hours. And Max was with us.

Well, Max hates to wear his shoes, so he kept taking them off. When I saw how FILTHY his feet became from the "waxed" floor there, I decided to let him keep them off so that he didn't RUIN his brown suede sneakers. That was a tough call, because my normally ghostly white son had black, black feet. I washed them once, when we decided to go get some dinner at Marie Calendars while they processed the other 3 people who were there before us (only one finance person was there because the other had gone home sick that day). I also had to wash them again when we got home, while Max was asleep, so I could put him into bed.

Anyway, they had a children's playroom there, but it was full of very uninteresting infant toys. They also had a widescreen television, but I could not find anything Max would watch. So Max started running around that dealership like he was doing laps at the Indie 500. At one point, we couldn't find him and then all of a sudden we saw his head pop up from the driver's seat in one of the floor-room models...a convertible. He ate 3 bags of popcorn. He also started chasing around the remaining 3 employees, our salesman, the desk manager and another salesman...yelling out to them "I'm gonna get you." At one point I saw him running at a full gallop, shaking his head from left to right, hair swingin through the air, in large arching circles. It was several hours past his bedtime and he was completely over stimulated.

So FINALLY, it was our turn to complete our loan paperwork (at 3.9% interest, we decided to finance through Honda). Anyway, the finance guy had left the room to go grab some paperwork and while he was gone, Max threw up all over me. He had complained that his tummy hurt, but because he was still playing, I didn't pay a whole lot of attention. Atfter all, it wasn't like we could leave yet. In retrospect, I wish I had tried to quite him down more, but he had resisted all attempts to get him to sit still.

Max puked all over me from my crotch down to my knees, as I had been sitting in a chair. I couldn't move because of all the vomit in my lap and Scott was trapped, behind the guy's desk, between me and the wall...making it difficult to get around me to grap a trash can for Max, as he continued to empty the contents of his stomach into my lap and onto the floor. Thank goodness for the blanket in my trunk. I had to take my pants off and rinse them in the restroom sink and then wrap that blanket around me to finish off our paperwork and make the drive home.

So now we have the Odyssey in the driveway and all is good. Blech.

Silly, Silly, Boy

Me: "Max, are you grumpy?"
Max: "No (eyebrows furrowed and frowning), I'm cranky!!"

Max: (while talking on the phone with his grandmother, he's spills some water on the bed) "See gramma??? (holding the telephone receiver up to the spot where the water was spilled)

Me: (lifting up my shirt, showing Max my belly) "There are two sisters in mommy's belly' (as I am pregnant with twin girls)
Max: (holding up his own shirt) "Max has two brothers in his belly"

Your Butt's Too Big

The other day I asked Max to scoot over so I could sit down on the chair in front of the computer (I needed to interupt his session to look something up quickly). Max and I have shared this seat many times while playing one of the games of noggin.com or nickjr.com together. To my surprise, Max's reply was "no Mommy, your butt's too big!"

I'd Like to Retire the Diapers Now!

I really don't mind that Max still needs to sleep in a diaper. Not nearly so much as I wish he'd stop requesting them to poop in. He will not even TRY to poop on the toilet. It's non negotiable. When he needs to poop, he comes into the room and announces "I need a diaper." Sometimes, he has already retrieved one and hands it to you to put onto him. Obviously, he recognizes that he needs to poop. I had always thought that was half the battle. If it is, then what's the other half? I think the next size up from what he's wearing now is a "Depends."

Sometimes he's been asking to see MY poop or my husband's (or yours too, if you happen to come over to our house and disappear into the bathroom). He says "I need to see that poop!" Then, when you let him look in the bowl, he confidently replies "I know!" We go through this same ritual when he asks to see the poop in his own diaper. I don't know what it means, but I'm hoping this is also a step towards potty pooping.

I have already packed away the little potty that he used to use when he started peeing in a potty. I wonder if I should get that back out. Maybe the "big" potty is still too intimidating. I never really wanted him poop in that potty because I didn't really want to have to clean it out. I figured if he was peeing in the big potty, he would automatically transition to pooping in it too. So far, no good. I guess I better start working on it again.

Do You Want to be A Big Brother?

That was the question I asked Max. He said, "No!!! I'm not big!!!" I left it at that. I don't quite know how to start prepping him for the fact that he's going to be a big brother to, not one, but two siblings. How does one begin to notify the center of their universe, that they are going to be sharing that spotlight, in the future? With very strong feelings about being able to provide him with a sibling, for him, I now feel somewhat anxious about how I'm going to be upsetting his world. I realize I'm not inventing the wheel or anything and he's not the first kid in the world to have to deal with this, but he's my first kid and my first experiences breaking the news. I guess I'll start talking about it here and there, waiting until I start to show until I really break it down.
Sigh.

"The number you have reached is not in service..."

I was talking to my mother on the phone this evening. Meanwhile, I heard the water running in the bathroom and thought to myself "How lovely, Max is washing his hands before bed." WRONG...Max was drowning the cordless phone. He carried it out to me and said "look!!" And I said "Oh f*#k!!!" So now the phone (that one) is dead. We will be needing a new one. That one had two handsets and that was the only working one left. The only one I have now is a rickety old Uniden in our office. So if anyone can recommend a good telephone, I'm open for suggestions. Oh...and so you don't waste your breath telling me to dry it out with a hairdryer...I already tried that and the darned screws were in that phone so tight that I stripped them. Aargh!!! I also tried canned, pressurized air with the little tube attachment and squirted it in the little nooks that I could get to. No luck. Maybe it will dry out on it's own...I dunno.

Poor Max. I made him go to his bedroom. He asked "mommy, are you happy?" To which I replied, "No Max, I'm not happy." And he asked "are you mad?" and I said, "yes, I'm mad. You broke the telephone."

Little Jack Sparrow

"The only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can't do. For instance, you can accept that your father was a pirate and a good man or you can't. But pirate is in your blood, boy, so you'll have to square with that some day. "
--Captain Jack Sparrow



Max was an excellent trick-or-treater. He was quite outgoing. Technically, he was ingoing, so to speak. My task was to keep him from walking into other people's houses. Something he was quite comfortable doing.

The only thing better than his exhuberant "CHRIT-O-CHREAT!!" was his happy and sincere "THANKYOU!" after each little treat made a thunk into his little skull bucket. Max has never been lacking for manners and I was proud of him that night.

His pirate costume was a Disney, Jack Sparrow costume, paired up with some sweats and Ugg boots. Accessorized by his skull necklace, sword, scarf and bucket, he was fully ensembled.

Max had just as much fun passing out candy when we returned to our house. He ran screaming to the door and when it opened, he exclaimed "HI GUYS!!! I GOT CANDY!!" Then he proceeded to put two handfuls into each kids bag! He loved it. I had so much fun with him that night. I can't wait until next year.

"Relax Mommy"

So, yesterday, Max and I were leaving the mall from a rather fruitful shopping day at the Disney Store. I had three very large bags of merchandise that I was trying to stuff into my little Honda.

Meanwhile, Max decided he would like to enter the car from the front, passenger door. I was hollering for him to "shut that door" and "come back over here," because a mall is never a safe place for a three year old to be lurking, in and out of cars in the parking lot. Max always enters the car from the back driver's side, so I can get him secured in his car seat.

Well, he runs back over to the proper entry point, where I am standing, continuing to stuff bags into the car, but forgets to shut the front passenger door. I say "Max! Why didn't you shut that door?!" and he starts to run back over to shut it, which of course is not what I want him to do at that point. So now I'm hollering for him to "get back over here!"..."leave that door alone!"...because I still don't want him running around the car, only to be missed by some negligent driver, whipping around the parking lot.

To that he runs back over to where I am standing and puts his little hands on his hips and says "RELAX MOMMY!"

Watch Out, My Kid will Clobber Yours

After a really nice time with friends tonight, I come home and google "aggressive preschooler behavior" and "preschooler hitting behavior." So now I am feeling quite helpless. Apparently this is normal behavior, par for the course. The advice is much the same. Don't scold. Explain how the other kid feels. Remove your child from the situation. Help them with words to express their feelings. Blah, blah, blah. The truth is, yes, all preschoolers probably exhibit behavior like this from time to time...but again and again, it is my little gem who stands out, heads and shoulders, above the other kids with his behavior. It is no consolation that he will simply grow out of this, especially as his language skills develop. Some of the stuff I read even highlighted the merits of aggressive toddler/preschooler behavior.

Max is not on the accelerated end of the spectrum for verbal expression. I'm sure he gets quite frustrated with his inability to express surging emotions. He definitely expresses himself with his physicality.

But like I said, "blah, blah, blah"...none of that helps while you wipe a tear off of the other childs face. None of that helps when you see the expression of anguish on the other parents face. It doesn't help the guilt or the responcibility I feel for my inability to prevent these acts from happening in the first place.

Good Boy Mommy!

I can't even remember what I had done that deserved the accolades, but Max recently said to me, with all the sincerity he could muster, "good boy, mommy!" Yes, I laughed and smiled and hugged and kissed and thanked him. Then, I ran out of the room and told Scott and we both laughed again.

Today, I made it a point to mention that there are "girls" and "boys." I have never really differentiated this to him before. It never seemed necessary. So I told him "Max is a boy...daddy is a boy...mommy is a girl...gramma is a girl...Jarod is a boy"...etc., etc.

I don't plan on drilling this into his head. I just thought I might plant a seed. Max is almost always assumed to be a girl, because of his long hair. He's not aware of it though. So I really hope that he doesn't become aware of it, due to my recent illumination of the fact that we, humans, come in two flavors (and some would argue more than two).

I'm proud to be considered a "good boy" in his eyes.

Did I Mention That Max Turned 3?

At 3 years old, he's quite large for his age. Not ridiculously, but as large as the smaller 5 year olds. I noticed this in his art class today. He is just as big as 3/4 of the 5 year olds. I feel like I need to make his age known. That way the other moms are not expecting him to act like their 5 year olds. Yes, he "JUST" turned 3. If he hits your 5 year old or he screeches, just for fun, he "JUST" turned 3.

I am tired of feeling self conscious about his behavior. I think I remember my sister-in-law mentioning the same kind of situations with her son. I remember her telling me how she made remarks to people that he was not a retarded 5 year old...just a big 3 year old. I guess those genes are running in our family.

And it doesn't take very much to trigger Max into some really "unwanted" behavior. If another kid starts running and shrieking, you better believe that Max will, not only do it too, but he will outdo the kid who started it. Yes, he often starts it.

It's okay. I'm learning how to handle it. Day. By. Day. I am not disciplinarian by nature...and when I am, I find it hard to live with that part of myself. So I have read plenty of books about how to parent a "challenging, willful" child without having to evoke the disciplinarian within me. After all, I still need to feel good about who I am while helping him become the best that he can be (wow...didn't that sound cliche and trite?)...yet it's true.

The behavior that I feel pressure to "squash," is almost always expressions of joy or exuberant excitement. Sometimes it's also expressions of frustration, but in either case, I just don't want to squash it because of social pressure and expectations. The only time I feel like I should really do this, is when Max hurts or intimidates another child.

When my little guy squeals out of happiness in a restaurant...and everyone is looking at me sideways to "shut him up"...I can't help but feel uncomfortable and inclined to quiet him down. But while I make attempts, I feel like a traitor.

I think we come into this world as pure as we can be. And over time, we learn to suppress our authentic selves. I don't really mind that it happens well into our adult years. It just kills me to be teaching these things to a 3 year old. All in the name of "social adjustment."

When it comes to raising my son, I hope for the courage to take the road less traveled. I hope for the courage to forge a path for others to follow. I find no bravery or integrity in taking the the well worn road.

No Problem

I do my best to teach Max a few manners. He says "thank you" and "please" with the frequency I would expect of a 3 year old. I consider him to be better than average, when it comes to mastery of these social niceties. I'm not obsessed, like some mothers are. I would not stand there with my boy, pushing the issue until he says it. If he doesn't, I shrug it off...he's still learning. I don't even say it 100% of the time myself. Still, I'm surprised at how often I must be using manners, because he sort of picked it up naturally, without a lot of attention drawn to it.

Well, with that said, I'm a casual kind of girl. I grew up in Southern California where we use a lot of casual slang. I guess it shouldn't surprise me that Max is learning Scott's and my language. Yet it did surprise me, yesterday, when I dropped my phone and Max picked it up and handed it back to me...I said "Thank you!" He said "No problem!"

It's Not that I Quit Blogging

I've been putting all of my computer time into finishing off my latest "blog book." There is a really cool company called Heritage Makers that has some really great book making features. After I accumulate enough blog entries, I turn it into one of these books. It's a professionally bound, hard, glossy covered book that will last forever...unlike this blog. So someday, when Max is much older, he'll be able to preserve some of his history...at least from his mother's perspective.

Meanwhile, Max has turned 3 and I have much to say about that.

Poor Morgan

Morgan was conceived of carefully, speculated, thought. Her breed was specifically chosen because of her good natured temperament and reputation for being good with children. She is half Golden Retriever and half Yellow Labrador. As if casting a spell to the winds, we spoke of her place in our home. This was to be our future son or daughter's dog. We were not even pregnant with Max yet.

One day an old girlfriend of mine called me up and asked me if I wanted one of her pups. Of course, it was exactly the dog we had summoned. So came Morgan into the world.

Morgan was about a year and a half when Max was born. She was very tentative around him, always gentle. As Max grew, he was able to touch Morgan and delighted in the feel of her fur. He giggled when she licked him. He snuggled with her and used her as a backrest while he drank from his bottle and a bond was forged.

Now that Max is older, in the absence of other siblings, Morgan has become Max's primary playmate and constant companion, second only to me. The two of them play together, like two bear cubs. They wrestle, growl, tackle, chase and explore the backyard together. They hunt for lizards as a team. Morgan runs around to the gate and barks at passersby and Max barks at them too.

Max grabs hold of Morgan's collar and drags her all around the house and yard. He gets quite frustrated when she breaks free from his controlling hold on her, as Morgan is much stronger than Max. He complains to me and he yells at her. One of their favorite pastimes is playing with the hose. Morgan barks and jumps at the water and Max makes sure that Morgan is soaked. Both of them squeal like little piggies, having so much fun. Sometimes Max convinces Morgan to step into one of his playhouses, where he quickly shows his true nature, trapping her and locking her in. She takes it all in stride.

The downside of all this is that Morgan has taken quite a bit of toddler abuse. She has weathered being attacked by anything remotely resembling a sword...sticks, brooms, stakes, kitchen utensils, hair brushes and actual toy swords. Morgan can definitely hold her own when they're wrestling around on the floor. She gets ahold of Max with her mouth and shows him a thing or two, but always gently soft-mouthing. She's also pretty good at pinning him down. Teaching Max that it's not okay to hit the doggie is something I'm tasked with on a daily basis. It's not easy to differentiate between the kind of rough, reciprocal play they BOTH enjoy so well and a smack to the head or back. Poor Morgan.

The Best Day

Max and I had the best day. We got up in the morning and snuggled on the sofa while we watched a couple of cartoons. Then we played with some playdough, using the pasta roller to flatten it. We went outside, onto the front porch, next and watered the garden. Max accidentally sprayed himself in the face which made us both laugh. Then we ate some leftover pizza for breakfast.

In the afternoon we packed up the car and headed for the beach. We made sandcastles and played on the swings. Max yelled out "I SANDCASTLE!!" and "I SWINGING!!" We surrounded our castles with army men and when we were done, we squashed them to the ground. We sang our ABC's and made up some songs in the car, on the way home. We stopped for dinner at Macaroni Grill, where we drew all the animals we could think of on the paper tablecloth. We ate spaghetti noodles, one by one, letting them drop into our mouths and sucking them the rest of the way in.

When we got home, we were so tired from our long day, that we both just laid down on the bed and fell asleep, snuggled like two little bears.

Every day that I spend with Max is the best day. I am grateful to my husband for providing me the opportunity to spend my days this way. This is the greatest gift of my life.

What Kind of Mother Am I?

I was talking to one of my "mommy" friends recently, who was telling me about the progress she had made in regards to bedtime with her daughter. It seems that she found a really helpful book, that helped to wean her daughter from needing to be rocked to sleep.

Later that night, while watching Max toss and turn, before finally falling asleep...in the bed that we all share, I realized how long it had been since I'd been able to rock him to sleep. And I got a knot in the pit of my stomache. A lump in my throat. And I longed for the days when I could rock him to sleep. I would rock that kid to sleep until he turned 15, if he would have it.

So today, I sat in the rocker (which is in our office). I tried to entice Max to joining me, but he was excited to sit at the chair, at the desk, which is normally off limits to him, since that is the chair that faces the computer. Well, I put a Mickey Mouse learning DVD in for him and let him have at it. He was more able to use the "mouse," which is actually a trackball, than I've seen so far. He had a blast. I sat and rocked and watched him for about 45 minutes.

Right now, as I write this, he is sleeping. I'm going to move the rocker back into our bedroom tomorrow. I'm going to see if I can rock him to sleep some night soon. I wonder what kind of a mother I am, trying to recapture the kind of behavior that other moms mark their success in ending.

There are Limits

Yes, there are limits to just how far one will go, as a parent, to console and comfort one's dear, sweet child. I have certainly reached mine.

I should, first, mention that Max does not care for wearing clothing these days. He will inevitably take off whatever he is wearing, most particularly his diaper. Since we are in the throws of potty-training and it's summer, it's really no big deal. Until today.

Max fell onto one of his toys and started crying. He crawled up onto the sofa, where I was sitting, as I asked him where he was hurt. While he proceeded to get onto his hands and knees, facing away from me, he told me "here" as he pointed to his bottom. I said "poor baby" and gave a gentle pat on the rump. Again, he pointed and with more urgency in his voice he said "HERE!" I asked "what do you want me to do?," as I sit there with his lil' pooper staring right at me. He says "KISS IT!"

This was one of those moments when I wished my husband had been there with me. I flashed on the expression that would have been on his face. I'm sure the expression on my own face was worthy of a Kodak moment.

All I could do was make a kissing sound and purse my fingers together and give a little pat with them. No questions were asked. Max popped right back up, healed of his injury, as only a mommy's (or daddy's) kiss can do. I had reached my limit. Kissing boo-boos is my job, my pleasure even...just not there.