Delightful Surprises

 Every now and then I’m amazed at what life sets in your path. These past two days have been punctuated by such delightful surprises.  After a day at the beach with Brooke and Lauren, we decided to grab lunch at the Wind & Sea, in the Dana Point Harbor. They have an outdoor patio situated at the marina entrance and it’s relaxing to watch the boats and kayakers glide into the marina. We had just ordered our food when another party was being seated right next to us. I thought I recognized a familiar voice and when I looked up, I was astonished to see my step-brother, Jeff Cortese and his beautiful wife Cathy. I haven’t seen them since their wedding, 8 years ago. That was just after I’d lost my mother and approximately 16 years after we’d lost his dad. 

Jeff and Cathy live in Orange County, but not where we ran into each other. The odds of us crossing paths couldn’t be much slimmer, yet here we were. 

During our reminiscing, Jeff had asked if I’d taken the girls to see his dad’s plaque at The Swallows Inn, a local dive bar with a rich and lengthy history. I hadn’t, thinking the girls were too young to get in.  He also told me that there was a Concert in the Park event, today. 

Today, the girls and I went to the movies, downtown, which is pretty centrally located. After that, I asked them if they wanted to walk over to The Swallows and see the plaque. We walked right in. This is the plaque.

“In Loving Memory of Dr. Joe Cortese, Dr. Fleas. A real cowboy, respected veterinarian, in San Juan Capistrano and devoted father and husband.” The inscription sits atop a wooden carving of a cowboy.  I was able to get a photo of the girls, standing next to it, before we were chased out, for them being under age. 

From there, we walked over to the park because we could hear live music. San Juan Capistrano has a marked Western flavor and history. We were amused and delighted to see a large crowd, line dancing, to a live rendition of Pink Floyd. Only in SJC!  

As we stood there taking in the sights, a man walked by me wearing a type of Hawaiian style shirt that I’ve only ever seen on our dearly departed Joe Cortese. I looked at the man and immediately recognized him as one of my stepfather’s good friends, Ray. He used to bounce Max on his knee when Max was a little guy. He came to New Mexico with us for the spreading of Joe’s ashes in the Pecos River. 

He asked me if Max still had that red, red hair. I showed him a current photo of Max and he smiled. I told him that I first noticed him by his shirt because it looked like the style Joe used to wear. I was delighted when he told me the shirt had been a gift from Joe. I really love being here, in this city, connected to my past. 

Waiting in my Car

 As I sit here watching time pass

before my eyes,

I contemplate each moment.

I attribute meaning

and assign definition.

I use many words

to express few thoughts.

me                   

Silence

 I traverse these darkened caves alone

unknown.

I wander blindly

failing to perceive the light

that promises to guide me.

I whisper in silence

listening for echoes of guidance. 

I seek the placid lake

no ripples

just glass divine.

Smooth, inviting, clear,

outside the realm of time.

You will find me in this place

haunting the lowlands

as I pass without a trace

where the earth opens

and shadows close in.

me                

First Day of School-2020

Today was our first day of school. Home school. We read one of the Tuttle Twins book called, "Food Truck Fiasco." The Tuttle Twins is a collection of books that focus on conservative principles. This book was about protectionism and competition. After we read the book together, I was asking the girls to demonstrate their understanding of the book. I gave them an example of having two lemonade stands across the street from each other and asked them how a customer would benefit from having two lemonade stands to choose from. We talked about how one stand might offer more flavors, better service or lower prices to gain customers and that was how the consumer benefits from competition. 

Then, a light bulb, for Lauren, went off.  She explained that she remembered  playing a Roblox game where she had a lemonade stand and was charging $5.00 per glass. Someone came along and set up their lemonade stand right next to hers, undercutting her prices, selling theirs for only $1.00 per glass. That was the perfect opportunity to talk about how it's understanding that someone could support protectionist regulations, if it was beneficial to their business. We talked about the ethics of that and decided it was wrong to support that kind of regulation. I asked her how she finally resolved the competition situation and she said, "I opened up a hot dog stand and had more options for my customers!" Brilliant! 

Nature Study

Today was an amazing day of homeschooling with Brooke and Lauren. I wish all of our days were like this. On a whim we stopped at a park and walked along the dry creek bed. We talked about the patterns in the dead eucalyptus logs and learned that it was caused by beetles. I snapped a few leaves off to let them smell what fresh eucalyptus smells like. We talked about the way the bark peels and I looked up rainbow eucalyptus to show them just how amazing and beautiful it could look. We took photos of interesting things and then came home and sat on the back patio to work in nature journals. We had snacks and I read to them about history while they worked. It's only February but it feels like early Spring on a day like today.

My Thoughts on Public Education

The brilliance of this video speaks for itself. I constantly find myself thinking about things that I was not taught in school. On a daily basis, my thoughts turn towards the things I want my own children to learn.

Fun-Schooling

I've always been a homeschool mom at heart. As a child, school was never difficult for me, however I found it boring and never really applied myself until I went to college where I thrived. I'm pretty sure that every report card I ever received contained comments about me not working to my full potential. It's safe to say that I never liked school.

When my first born was little I couldn't imagine handing him over to an institution for many hours each day. I wanted to homeschool him. I had no experience and even though I did much research on the topic, I didn't have the confidence I needed to take that leap of faith. I enrolled him in a hybrid program that consisted of 3 days of school per week on campus and 2 days of homeschool. I thought it was the best of both worlds and for awhile it was.

It didn't take long for me to develop a dislike of the curriculum materials that the school was using. There was very little that I found creative or inspiring. I knew that if I wasn't inspired to use these materials, I couldn't expect my kids to be inspired by them. One of the perks of the hybrid program was parental involvement and flexibility. I had the option to choose my own curriculum to work with on my homeschool days with my kids. The problem was that there was very little continuity between programs and although I tried to make it work, it didn't. So in the end, I conceded to using their materials and stifle my inner voice that they were all wrong. Things went along like this for awhile, until they couldn't. That was when I realized that one of my children was dyslexic.

The year long journey that brought me to homeschooling my girls is worth explanation of it's own, however I won't linger on that here. It's safe to say that the school we attended did nothing to help my dyslexic daughter, even with my advocating for her. I have a well documented case against them.

Skip to present time. I've chosen to homeschool my girls with the help of a fabulous charter school that facilitates homeschooling. My only feeling is that I wish I had done this years sooner. I've only come across advantages and no disadvantages, so far.

My dyslexic daughter is now receiving the academic intervention that she's needed for a long time. She has the benefit of a learning specialist who is trained in Orton Gillingham, Lindamood-Bell and Barton (the reputable interventions in the world of dyslexia). She has been with our new charter school for 9 years. Brooke is getting one-on-one intervention or being grouped with only 1 other child, at the most. Our previous school couldn't keep a learning specialist for more than a single calendar year, some leaving even before then. It's been difficult for my daughter to get to know each one of them, each year, only to start over the following year with someone new or worse yet, someone filling in until they found someone "permanent." I can't tell you how grateful I am to watch someone systematically working through a scientifically proven method to teach my daughter vs having her complete random worksheets printed from a free, online website (yes, I did an observation in one of her special learning sessions at her previous school and that's what they were doing).

Not only do I see hope on the horizon for my dyslexic daughter, but there is a world of fabulously engaging curriculum materials to choose from in the homeschooling world. One of my favorites is Fun-Schooling with Thinking Tree Books. These books marry well with the philosophies of Charlotte Mason who believed that learning was more of a lifestyle.These books serve as a template for learning and creativity. They are open ended and can be used in many different ways. They encourage using the library and utilizing books to study various things, as opposed to being a "canned curriculum." They overlap in subject area, such as Language Arts, Social Studies and Science. For example we are using a book called "Pignapped: From Factory Farm to Family Farm." This book is the story of a pig who goes from being in a factory farm to living on a family farm. The book looks at how our food is processed (Science) with the history of how factory farms emerged from family farms (Social Studies) in a workbook that provides opportunities for vocabulary work, essay writing, comparing and contrasting (Language Arts) along with opportunities to draw and color.

Another one of their books, "Yum-Schooling," is a cookbook that provides recipes and instructions, but also opportunities to answer questions about the recipe, such as, "What was difficult about making it? How could you make this better?" etc. There are also vocabulary activities, thought provoking questions about food, opportunities to create a recipe of their own, documentary suggestions about food and opportunities for further research. All of these books are interactive and engaging. Some of the books will end up being family keepsakes. For example there is a "Film Study" book which is full of pages in which to write down movie reviews. I bought this one with the intention that the whole family could contribute to it. The pages (in all the fun-schooling books) are very graphic, as opposed to just being typeface based. Simply speaking, they provide opportunities for writing in a non-laborious approach.

In addition to the fun-schooling books, we're using some computer based learning. I couldn't be happier with our math program, Teaching Textbooks.  Read Naturally and Lyrics 2 Learn are reading comprehension programs and L2L uses music and song, to teach comprehension.

We're also learning about US History, using the Liberty Kids series along with a series guide that I found on Teachers Pay Teachers. I combine that with working through a Fun-schooling book about U.S. Presidents and watching some Disney and Peanuts documentaries about U.S. History and Presidents. I love that I can overlap and reinforce learning by providing the same information with multiple types of media. We even made a point to watch the Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln attraction at Disneyland on our last trip.

Literature Units are wonderful and I don't know why the public school doesn't use this amazing approach. In our previous school we were bombarded with Reading, Reading Comprehension, Grammar, Vocabulary and Writing jobs. None of them were connected. Each one was a separate activity with it's own reading material, most of which were tedious, non-fiction reading with too many technical terms and dates. There was no psychological investment in any of these Language Arts jobs. Enter the Literature Unit. The girls and I are reading, "Island of the Blue Dolphins," together. The literature unit work encompasses all areas of language arts. After we read the chapters, we work through vocabulary, comprehension, grammar, writing, etc. and they are all related back to the reading we did in the book. There is an investment in learning because there is connectedness. There is a logical progression and flow to the work we do. I have been wanting that for a very long time.

Another benefit of homeschooling is the opportunity for field trips. Even though our previous school hosted field trips, from time to time, they were rarely educational and they were rarely led or directed. No supplemental materials were provided to connect the field trip to classroom work or activity. They felt like dangling, lost opportunities. I have found a couple of fabulous Field Trip Journals to document our field trips. We are planning a visit to the King Tut Exhibit that I have prepared for by lining up a Literature Unit for The Egypt Game along with a book full of hands on opportunities to learn about the pyramids and other parts of ancient Egypt.

We are not just homeschooling. We're fun-schooling and learning so much. Me too.

Reading is Fundamental

Brooklyn sits in a bay window on a road trip to Cambria and tries to keep up with her school work, even during summer. This photo was taken 2 years ago, in 2016. It's a painful reminder of the struggling that Brooke has suffered during her academic career at the charter school she attends, (River) Springs Charter School. This workbook represents the only phonics and decoding that she received. They're well written, but they're part of a program that consists of accompanying lessons, that were never provided. 2 years later, my girl is still struggling and has been identified as having a learning disability called dyslexia. 2 years later, I'm fighting a school district that does not want to allocate resources to help my daughter close the gap by providing the kind of intervention that has been scientifically proven to re mediate dyslexic learners. It's expensive and it must be implemented with fidelity by highly trained reading specialists, which they do not have. It's been an intensive journey since October and I'm in fighting mode for this girl. I've had to seek legal counsel and advocacy.

"Wow! I should blog. It's been so long." I was thinking about my mother, as I drove home from dropping the kids off at school. I was thinking that I might process her loss, more efficiently, more emotionally...perhaps share my experience with my kids, so that they might know how my mother had prepared me for her death and that I might prepare them for mine. We never know when that time will come and we shouldn't wait till the end of our lives to treat every day as if it's our last.

I thought about how confident my mother was. I thought about how few knew how vulnerable she really was inside, insecure, like all of us. Her confidence was her behavior. She was brave as hell. She taught herself to behave with confidence and it took her far. Humor and compliments bridged gaps. If ever there were gaps. 

As a teenager I watched her win people over with a kind of magic that I held contempt for. Was she sincere? Did she mean everything she said to everyone? Did she mean what she said to me? I felt not and so I blew her off, rolling my eyes at her when she complimented me. She hated that. She said I needed to learn how to take a compliment. I thought she loved me blindly and she would say anything to make me feel good. Why I held that effort in such contempt, I do not fully understand. I didn't trust that her inflated sense of esteem for me was an accurate reflection of who I was. 

Now that I am a mother, myself, I see that my mother was trying to mold me into that which she strove to master, herself. She wanted me to hold my head up high and duplicate what she had taken years to master. She wanted to pass on the best of herself, to me. She wanted me to be able to benefit from her "modeling" confidence, if you will. I would do the same for my children. I will be aware, however, of the distrust that I could easily create, if ever my sentiments are taken as insincere. 

Looking back, I'm finally able to appreciate what my mother saw in me. I'm able to see myself through her eyes and that's exactly what she would have wanted.

Right Brain/Left Brain

Language is said to be a left brain function, along with logic, reasoning, math and critical thinking. On the other hand, emotions, color, images, music and creativity are all right brain functions. When I think of my daughter's strengths, I've noticed that the two of them seem to be dominated by different hemispheres.

By 3 years old, both Lauren and Brooklyn were on the low end of the bell curve and had issues with speech and language. Since that time, Lauren has come far and Brooklyn is still making progress. Lauren is now on the high of the bell curve. Brooke has not yet been retested, since she's been in a speech program this past year, but I can tell that she still needs assistance.

As a very young toddler, I can recall Lauren having some interesting abilities. She would line up her little toy animals and place them standing side by side, according to size. I found some happy face stickers on the wall that she had placed. When she first put them on the wall, she grouped them loosely. Then she arranged them in a linear fashion. After lining them up, she actually adjusted each of the stickers so that the faces were all level. I remember her stacking nested cups really well at a young age. We were actually encouraged to have her screened for autism because of her unusual ability. She did not have autism, but she did have some cool skills.

A few days ago, I watched, entranced, as Brooklyn sat playing the piano and singing. Her words and tune were both made up. I could barely pick out any words, but she was singing to her heart's content. She loves singing and she does so often. She loves drawing, coloring and painting. I am sometimes amazed by her creativity and her artistic nature.

Brooklyn

Brooklyn woke up in the middle of the night and told me she needed to go potty. I asked her if she had wet her pants. She said, "no, Lauren did." I checked Lauren and she was dry. I checked Brooke and she was wet. I asked Brooke about that and said, "did you wet your pants?" She replied, "no, Lauren did it."

I guess at 4 years old, there is no such thing as the obvious. Brooke blames Lauren for plenty of naughty things that she does too. I really hope this is not an enduring trait of hers.

Backyard Fun

Last night, we got out the sun shelter and watched television in the backyard. This is one of my favorite things to do on a summer evening. We laid blankets down and brought more to cover up with. We had as many pillows and pillow pets as we could find in the house. So, propped against our mountain of fluffy pillows, covered in fuzzy blankets, we snacked on popcorn and drinks, while we watched episodes of Dr. Who on the laptop. You can't see Scott, because he took this photo, but he would have been on the other side of Max. Even the dogs hung out with us. The air was brisk and refreshing and the full moon smiled down upon us. Max and Lauren had fallen asleep before the night was over and had to be carried to the house. I hope to have many more nights like this over the summer.

Sea World

Max goes to a very unique school. It is a state charter school, but it is a Montessori program. Not only that, but it's a hybrid of sorts, because it's a combination of classroom and homeschooling. He homeschools Mondays and Tuesdays and attends his class Wednesdays through Fridays. I really feel like it's the best of both worlds. At least if you are not a parent who is employed outside the home. I really like the fact that I have input to his education and I can do things that the school cannot. Like offer him the variety of media choices, field trip opportunities, subject, content, etc.

Anyway, last week I took Max to Sea World. We've had annual passes for the past several years and our current passes are about to expire. Normally, I would have taken Brooke and Lauren too, but they are too old to get in for free now and it's not a good time to get passes for them. So, Max and I went alone. It's always great to spend one-on-one time with the children. Max gets to do this much more than his sisters. It truly is hard to seperate them and yet I know it needs to be done, so that they can both benefit from the individual focus and attention that they need from time to time.

Max and I had a wonderful day. No strollers. The freedom we had walking around was wonderful. It was a beautiful day, with lots of sunshine and perfect temperature. We walked through exhibits, saw a show, fed some sea lions, went on some rides, played some games and ate some lunch. We laughed, played and ran around holding hands. Max talked me into two different rides that made me sick to my stomach and got me to go on them twice in a row each. We took some photos and some video. I put together a little video to highlight his trip and make it an official homeschool activity.

Little Girls World

I love to sit, like a fly on the wall, and listen to my little girls play. They sing together, they dance together and they play together. They like to stand in front of the mirror and sing songs. Brooke is telling Lauren, "okay, you're Elmo," as they break into the Elmo's World chorus. Both of them have arms outstretched and they're rocking from side to side. Then Lauren starts to sing the song from Sleeping Beauty, "Once Upon a Dream," while forcibly taking Brooke by the hand to partake in some simplified version of a waltz.

Just a little while ago, they were sitting in their room, playing house. Apparently, they were playing the royal version of house. Princesses, princes (mostly Disney versions) and some Hello Kitty characters. I could hear Lauren saying, "I'm the baby!" Then, she says to Lauren, in her most baby like voice (not a far cry from her regular voice, only more dramatic) "mommy!" "Mommy, I want my bottle!" I hear Lauren oblige by offering her who knows what. "Here you go sweetheart!" The sweetness is overwhelming. It's just nice to hear them playing without crying and shrieking over who has which characters. It won't be long though.

I'm amazed at the duration of the conversations, considering that they're both somewhat speech delayed. They seem to understand each other consistently, in a way that I have yet to master. Sometimes they sing their own made-up songs, together, with words that I don't understand and yet, they sing it as though they had first rehearsed their lines.

There is a symbiotic harmony between them. Quick to explode and quick to forgive. Negotiating over things constantly. They have worked out their pecking order. All things pink are automatically Lauren's and all things blue default to Brooke. I admire their ability to work together. At least until I walk in the room, to find one of them sitting on the other, who is hollering for her sister to "get off!"

They create their own world, sometimes, and I just feel privileged to be a part of it.

Thank You Max

Hey Max! 

I just wanted to say thank you, for teaching Lauren how to pee in the backyard, like a boy, how to call her dad "dude," and for teaching her to scream "OW, MY NUTS!" 

Sigh...

Potty Training

It's official. I can say that my girls are actually potty trained. Sure, there are some accidents here and there. That's normal, but I think we're over the hump. The first thing was making sure that they were showing signs of potty training readiness. Once I decided that it was time to start, I had to make sure I had the supplies we  would need. Those included two potty training chairs, stools to reach the toilet, wipes, a timer and lots of M&Ms. Oh yes, and of course panties.  It's been an interesting 4 months. Lauren and Brooklyn could not have been more different in how they handled and approached it.

Brooklyn left the gate at full gallop. In our "pre" potty training days, she already showed an interest in just sitting on the potty. That made it easy to start her off on our regular toilet.

iPhone...better than a magazine.

This toilet has two seats. One that is adult size and one that is child size. It's all built into the lid and is very useful, since children are so much smaller than we are.



One for us

One for them

Note: Up to this point, this post had been sitting, unfinished, in my "drafts" folder, since last February. In finishing this post, both girls have been potty trained for quite some time.

Anyway, I originally puchased this toilet seat when Max was potty training. I installed it in our main bathroom. Since that time, I have purchased a second and installed that in the master bathroom. We had been using one of those padded seat inserts, but they are messy and cumbersome. I highly recommend these seats. You never have to fumble around for it and they are really easy to clean. They also provide a lot more stability.

In the beginning stages, we just let the girls run around "commando." No bottoms. That way they were ready to go whenever they needed to. At that point, they were not quite able to pull their own panties down. This worked well with Brooke, because she would loudly announce, "poo-poo-potty!" That was whether she needed to poop or pee.

Brooke was a breeze. She liked to sit on the potty and we had many false alarms, where she just sat there and never produced. Fine with me.

Lauren was a challenge. And she was the one we really needed to get trained. She had turned into "Poopcaso" and taken to smearing the walls with the contents of her diaper. There were also incidents where she had ground it into the carpet with the use of a few toys. Fun stuff. She was much more comforatble using one of those little training potties, so that's what we used until her confidence grew.  The main problem we had with Lauren was that she would not alert us when she needed to go. She would quietly slip away to do her thing. In the beginning it was fine, but soon enough she started to dump her own removable basin. You can imagine what a mess that was. Not only that, but because she would not alert us, she was un-wiped.

Eventually, we had to make the girls wear panties. Not only for sanitary reasons, but for modesty reasons. With Brooke, no problem. We just pulled them down for her when she needed to go. Lauren, on the other hand, would sit down on her little potty, without anyone the wiser, and go right through her panties. This lasted for a painful eternity. We would either discover that she had wet panties or she might come walking out, doing the side-to-side shuffle. Eventually she learned to pull her own panties down. But we still could not get her to tell us when she needed to go or to quit dumping out her own basin.

In the beginning, I would squeal, clap, sing, jump, march and anything else, resembling the production of a one-man parade. Scott did the same and I even enlisted Max into our Oscar winning, theatrical production of praise. When that started to get stale, I tried M&Ms. This was short lived, as I ended up doling out M&Ms to anyone in the vicinity of the victory.  This meant both of the other kids, but truth be known, Scott and I were dipping into the till as well. Then I switched to bubbles. This was one trick I had never heard of and it worked like a charm. Any time there was a successful potty encounter, we blew bubbles right there in the bathroom as a reward. And that was what took us through the rest of our potty training journey. At least to an acceptable point. Both girls still sleep in a pull up at bedtime. This is really the last hump to overcome.

The girls have been such a different experience from potty training Max. One thing in common about Brooke and Max was that I had to give both of them glycerin suppositories (a recommendation by our pediatrician) to get them over the hump of actually pooping in the toilet.  In Max's case, he was preschool age and was still requesting a diaper to be put on him for no other reason than to poop. He would not go any other way. If I tried to hold out on him, there were plenty of tears and I just didn't want to push that hard. I didn't want to make it an emotionally devastating experience for him. In Brooke's case, I  did not wait very long before resorting to it, because I had such a success doing it with Max. The sense of immediacy that it gave them, left them with no other choice than to go as soon as I set them down on the toilet. After they had done it once, they both had the confidence to do it the next time, without hesitation.

If I were to offer any potty training advice to another, I would definitely recommend the two sized installable seat. Also, the use of bubbles and, if necessary, glycerin suppositories. And finally, carrying a training potty around in your vehicle. I use this a lot. Not only is it convenient (they can use it right in the van) and the right size, but it is usually a more sanitary option than using a public restroom. Additionally, I carry a collapsible potty in the stroller when I go to an amusement park, the beach or a park for the day. It's compact and can be set up in a flash. It also doubles as a seat insert for setting onto a regular size toilet, which I also use in public restrooms or at at friends and families homes.

So there you have it.

"You've Got Your Hands Full"

"You've really got your hands full!"
I hear this phrase most days when I leave the house. I travel with a double jogging stroller (a double Bob) that has a little spot towards the front, which is just big enough for Max to sit down on and hitch a ride. Which he does. Often. It's not that he's just lazy, which he is, but he also walks on his tip toes and that slows him down. Not only that, but it's just plain easier to keep my eye on him when he is not meandering around.

These days, Max is the easier of my three when we are on the go (I almost delete this sentence in disbelief).  As a baby, and toddler, he was much more content to ride as a passenger in his stroller than his sisters are. We went so many places...often. Brooke and Lauren are reluctant passengers at best. They are uncooperative and miserable, riding in the stroller. They complain, loudly. They cry, whimper, shout, lean outward, torment each other and are constantly trying to escape. For me, this is extremely negatively reinforcing. Therefore, we don't venture out as much as I would like to. It makes me feel sad, because I know they are not broadening their universe in the same way that Max was able to.

I don't mean to play the "one up" game with other mothers, but having twins definitely puts us in an exlusive group that is most understood by other mothers with twins...or more (bless their hearts). The mixture of indescribable joy and frustration is unique. This mothering experience is so qualitatively different from my first pregnancy and parenting journey with my first born.

In some ways their experience is enriched, merely by having a partner in life. In others, they miss out on so much because their attention is always diluted. Always shared. Not in the same way as having an older sibling. There are physical limitations of mine that prevent the kind of exploration that I would otherwise allow and encourage. Simply put, they often take to running in opposite directions and I just can't wrangle both of them in many public situations.

Note: This post has been sitting in my "drafts" folder since last November. Inasmuch as it is an "unfinished" post, I have decided to post it anyway and be done with it. This is my life...deal with it (I say to myself).

Children and Nature

"To find the universal elements enough; to find the air and the water exhilarating; to be refreshed by a morning walk or an evening saunter... to be thrilled by the stars at night; to be elated over a bird's nest or a wildflower in spring - these are some of the rewards of the simple life." ~John Burroughs

I'm not one of those moms who feels that idle time leads to boredom or trouble. On the contrary, I feel that idle time is a necessary part of self-discovery, as well as discovery of the world around us. I don't like to keep my children so busy with planned activities, that they don't have ample time to just "be." Maybe that sounds a little existential, but I guess that's my brand of spirituality.

I wan't my children to feel like free spirits. Someday, when they have grown, I hope that they are empowered by and can connect with nature...with themselves. I want them to learn how to reflect on and admire the beauty and strength of nature. I think it's important for them to feel humbled by it and at the same time learn to embody it's stillness and it's strength.

"Climb the mountains and get their good tidings. Nature's peace will flow into you as sunshine flows into trees. The winds will blow their own freshness into you, and the storms their energy, while cares will drop off like autumn leaves." ~John Muir

Unless You're a Mom

Unless you're a mom, it may be hard to understand the emotional rolleroaster that an average day presents. If you wake up before your children, and most of us do, you gaze upon their angelic faces and feel such satisfaction that they are slumbering peacefully. Maybe you sneak off to enjoy the only moment, of that day, that you will have to yourself. I usually make myself a cup of coffee and just...sit. The stability that I enjoy in those moments won't be revisited again, until tomorrow morning.

In between those moments, I will have argued with my son about the contents of his lunch. I will have scolded him for watching television, when he was supposed to be dressing for school. I will have discovered a nasty scrape on my daughter's arm, of which I have no idea the origins. I will change the other daughter's diaper, to find a "pimple," that may very well be a more serisous infection growing. Gee, that one is in addition to the one on her thigh...the one she points to and says "oush!" I feel helpless, not being able to immediately resolve it. I take my son to school and, on the way, he tells me I am the "worst mom in the world," because I didn't let him finish watching his cartoon. My heart sinks. After dropping him off, one of my girls bursts into tears as we turn back onto our street. She does this every time we come home.

I will have to sneak out of the house to take the trash out, or endure more screaming and crying. I venture out, and as always, get caught...screaming and crying ensue. Someone comes to pick up some donation items and as I help them to their car, more screaming and crying. Sigh. I must sing several rounds of "Twinkle, twinkle, little star," to make it stop. Nothing stops the throbbing in my head though.

By this time, I will have changed 3 poopy diapers and at least 3 peepee diapers. I will have bathed one daughter, while the other one empties out the cabinet at the end of the hallway. I will dress the bathed daughter and put the other one in the bathtub, but will have to endure more screaming and crying because the girl who was bathed first, now wants to go back in.

I will have tripped on or jumped over toys strewn about the floor. I will probably step on at least one, with all my weight, and curse out loud. I will have accidentally spilled bleach on my shirt and curse out loud again. I will wonder how the table runner, from the dining room, came to be in one of the bedrooms. I will also wonder what the crunchy stuff on the back of the dog is and decide to bathe the dog outside, but get caught and have to endure more screaming and crying...more "twinkle, twinkle." I can't even count how many fights I will have to break up...how many injustices I will have to right. I will ride this train all day long...being jostled from side to side. Aggravated...heart broken...pissed off...bursting with love...all...day...long. At least until tomorrow morning. And you may not know what I'm talking about...unless you're a mom.

After-thoughts on Independence Day

Yesterday was hard. I woke up around 4:30 and had trouble getting back to sleep. I managed to do some cleaning in the garage, before most of the others were even awake. When Max finally woke up, he was very excited about the 4th of July party I had convinced him that we were having...just the 4 of us; Brooke, Lauren, he and I. We put the star shaped cookies in the home-made cookie jar that I had made from a craft suggestion in Family Fun Magazine. It was cute, a red, white and blue robot with a see through body area to view the cookies, which also needed to be decorated with theme in mind. We blew up the bounce house, put water in the water table and let everyone play outside, after being slathered in sunscreen.

The menu I had planned was barbecued chicken, corn on the cob, cole slaw and mashed potatoes. We also planned on making star shaped cupcakes with red and blue sprinkles on top. So far, the day might otherwise be an ideal one. The weather was hot and Scott would be home for the first half of the day. Nonetheless, I still had to do all the shopping, preparing, cooking, cleaning and parenting on my own.

The not so ideal parts of my day consisted of having to clean the wall, in our hallway, after Lauren smeared poop, from her diaper, all over. Yes, I know, clearly a sign of potty training readiness...sigh. Lauren also managed to stuff a small blob of blue playdo up her nose, which obviously bothered her a good deal. I tried to hold her down and fish it out with some blunt edge tweezers, but it was too far gone. I used the battery operated "snot sucker" on her too, but that just retrieved some of the blue snot. I hope it dissolved or went down the back of her throat. There appears to be no telltale sign of it today. Only time will tell, if she develops any kind of sinus infection from the foreign object.

Lauren (are you noticing the pattern here...the common denominator of the day?) also managed to shove her sister, while in the tub, and cause her to get a bloody lip. Worthy of mention, is that it was Brooke's second bath of the day, because she smeared cottage cheese into her hair at dinner time. Lauren has perfected the art of screaming her way through the "terrible twos." The sound of her voice is deep, gravelly and has an amazing projectile for a small child. I am sheepish to admit that I have even responded by holding my hand over her mouth, being ever so careful not to cover her nose, of course.

As I write this, I have a naked "clone warrior," an underwear clad "indian" and a diaper wearing "knight," all running around my house, engaged in battle. The dog is hiding. I wish I could say the same, having no idea what little disasters await the rest of my day.

Sentinel of the Night

Pen in hand, I sink into the over sized sofa, pausing to take a deep, healing breath. The dog lets out a guttural groan...almost in acknowledgement of my own resignation. The night has been long and morning comes faster than I care to concede.

Brooklyn is sleeping soundly in my bed. Night time stirs discontent and she has whimpered long enough in her own bed. I tried to comfort her there, but there is a vast difference between the distant isle of her bed and the comfort of the mainland. I pick her up and carry her to my bed. She sleeps deeply now. Her breathing has steadied. She no longer grasps at her own hair, as if trying to regain balance. Her final utterance was a sweet sigh and I am content...until Lauren cries out.

Her disorientation becomes mine. I rush to her side and she need only feel my breath against her neck to relax. A single, tiny finger reaches out and touches my cheek. She smiles, never opening her eyes. Satisfied that I am near, she turns over and settles back in...for now.

Two Grandmas

Lately, Max has been concerned with death, as his awareness of it grows. He posed his question to me:

Max: "Mom, who will be my grandma if Grandma dies?"
Me: "Nana will still be your grandma."
Max: "WHAT?" "I have TWO grandmas?!"
Me: "Yeah, what did you think Nana was?"
Max: "Just a person."

Then, I elaborated a little bit about the family tree and where his grandmas stood, relative to his father and I. To make sure he understood, he reiterated back to me:

"So Nana is daddy's mommy and the old one with the two dogs is your mommy."

Ouch!

The Less Glamorous Side of Motherhood

Just now I was changing Lauren's diaper. It was a poopie diaper. Not a solid, nor a liquid, but rather a mousse like consistency. I unfastened the diaper and lifted her slightly, by the legs, as I reached for the wipes, at which point she coughed. Coughing might not have been so bad, except for the force of her cough made her fart...twice. Now even baby farts are not such a big deal except for the fact that she still had poop mousse all over her little bottom . Her little fart blew that poop mousse all over my arm!!! Blech! Twice. I had to wipe off her bottom as quick as I could before she coughed again.

Another time, Lauren walked into the living room, where I had been sitting and offered me her fingers, so gingerly. Without even thinking about it, I kissed them. Then I smelled the poop. She had been digging in her diaper and gotten it on her fingers...and I kissed it (cringe). I jumped up and dashed to the bathroom, faster than a speeding bullet, to wash my mouth off with soap. Truly disgusting!

A Couple of Trueisms

I can't seem to remember to pick up the dog's water dish each day, BEFORE one of my girls has dumped it all over the floor.

No matter how many toys I pick up off the floor, there are more toys to pick up.

Upon initial investigation, Max is never guilty of anything.

If something is missing, look outside the doggy door first.

If Brooke is screaming and crying, Lauren has two of something in her possession.

If You Were a Fly on the Wall

If you were a fly on the wall, at my house...


Lauren: (walks in the living room with an empty bathroom wipes box).
Me: "Box! You have a box!"
Lauren: (hands the box to me).
Me: (looking around for a toy to put in the box for her...seeing a small figurine of Woody from the Disney/Pixar movie Toy Story laying on the floor) "Here's a Woody for your box!" (realizing what I've just said to my 1 1/2 year old daughter, looking around sheepishly to see if anyone noticed).

Max is learning to read, therefore sounding out various words throughout the day. My husband overhears him in the bathroom...
Max: "T"..."A"..."M"..."P"..."O"..."N"...


Me: (scratching my leg...something my husband always tells me to stop)
Max: "Stop scratching!"
Me: "Why?"
Max: "When Daddy's not here, I'm the boss!"


Max and I were laying on the bed, watching some television and he takes both hands and starts shaking my stomache...
Me: "You know, mommy used to have a skinny, flat belly."
Max: "I like your squishy belly. I don't want you to have a skinny belly."

Max was watching the cartoon "Happily Never After," and the main villain, a woman, was wearing a very clingy outfit. His face lights up and he shouts out: "BOOBS!"
.....like father, like son.


Recently, I assigned the "Baby Got Back" song as a ringtone for someone on my cellphone. I've also been singing it to the kids to make them laugh. This morning, Max was absentmindedly singing it himself:
Max: "I like big, fat butts!!! Big, fat, squishy butts! I can't lie!"....sigh.

Lost in Translation

Max: (rubbing his head, walks into my room) "Owwwww!"
Me: "What's wrong Max?"
Max: "I bumped into myself."

Max: (pouring some salt into the palm of his hand and tasting it)
Me: "How do you like that?"
Max: "Needs sugar!"

Dammit!

I allow my son to say dammit! I don't know if that's as unusual as I imagine, but I don't know any other kids who are allowed to get away with it, except for maybe Max's cousins. He always says it appropriately. For example...

Max: "Where's daddy?"
Me: "At work."
Max: "Dammit!"

or

Max: "DAMMIT!"
Me: "What's wrong?"
Max: "I got pee on my underwear!"

I've explained to him that he should not say this at school and that not all grown ups will think it's okay that he says this. I've told him that his dad and I don't think it's a big deal, but to be respectful if anyone asks him not to say it when we're not around. My husband always says that profanity is his second language. I don't swear very much, but I'm sure that Max hears a very frustrated "shit!" or "dammit!" from me from time to time. I feel like a hypocrite by using words that he is prohibited from. After all, if he shouldn't use them, then neither should we. And in the long run, they're just words. I think it's sort of ridiculous when people substitute their cursing words. I mean who cares if you say "damn" or "darn?" The sentiment is the same.

My Three Children

Let me start by saying I don't want to start labeling my girls with adjectives that will someday serve them as self-fulfilling prophecies. It's not necessary to me that they see themselves through my eyes. Quite the contrary. I would like for them to look in a mirror and define themselves, rather than let the perceptions of another define them. I try not to refer to one or the other as "the smart one," "the creative one," "the moody one" or any of the like. That being said, my two girls evoke such different emotions from me.

Lauren is pensive. She looks worried and carries a furroughed brow much of the time. I feel such intensity from her...such sensitivity. I stare into her eyes and see my own reflection in her soulful, blue irises. She causes me to reflect. She causes me to search her face for clues. I want to see what she sees. I want to know myself as she knows me. There is no lying to those eyes. I want to hold her close and tell her that everything's going to be just fine. Sometimes, I don't feel that she is at peace unless she is in my arms.

Brooklyn makes me laugh. She smiles a lot. Sometimes all it takes is to make eye contact. She bursts into sunshine and I am showered in her warmth. She's generous with her hugs and you are never quite sure if you are holding her or she is holding you. She clings to my side like a spider monkey with absolute confidence. Her posture becomes perched. She's not quick to cry, but when she does, it is heart wrenching and inflicts a wound to the soul.

Max is often a contradiction of description. He can be sensitive and loving and then oblivious and rough. He will teach my girls to be tough. I'm glad, because it will help them to develop confidence. He still has an air of innocence, that can so easily start to slip away, even at such an young age. Yet at times, he broods like an old man. He is struggling with independence and beams with delight at his accomplishments. In moments of peaceful stillness, his tender expression comforts me. If I could give pause, I would stop the universal clock from ticking in those moments.

Cold Coffee

• Make a fresh cup of coffee.
• Nature calls before taking that first sip, head for the bathroom.
• Notice trash can in bathroom almost overflowing.
• Finish up and take bathroom trash out.
• On the way, grab stray baby diapers and sippy cup sitting on dresser from last night.
• Add diapers to bathroom trash, drop sippy cup off in the kitchen sink and take trash outside.
• Pop in a DVD for Max.
• Scoop Brooke up off of the floor and plop her into high chair for breakfast.
• Take a sip of cold coffee.
• Make cereal for Brooke.
• Play tug of war with Brooke over spoon while feeding-get up to get her a spoon of her own to hold and pop coffee back into micrwave oven on the way back.
• Continue feeding Brooke when Max yells, "MOM!"
• Look over to see Lauren has tipped over a tall, potted plant and most of the soil is now on the floor.
• Re-pack the potting soil, noting it's dryness.
• Put plant outside on front porch for watering, bring two others with it.
• Water houseplants and get distracted, continuing to water a few of the porch plants when Max yells, "MOM!"
• Return to the dog trying to get at the remainder of the baby food.
• Try to continue feeding Brooke, who is no longer interested.
• Remove her from high chair and insert Lauren in her place.
• Retrieve cold coffee from microwave oven, which has been beeping.
• Take two slugs of cold coffee and stick it back into the microwave.
• Get a bottle of formula for Brooke, who is complaining loudly, and plop her into a carseat with the bottle propped up with blankets.
• Attempt to feed Lauren...Yes!!...She is hungry and eating well.
• Interupt Lauren's breakfast to get Max a cup of milk.
• Grab a cracker for Lauren to keep her happy while I get the milk.
• Look for Max, then hear him yell, "MOM!" from the other room.
• Max is now pooping. "Do you need me to wipe you?" "No." "Why did you call me in here?" "I love you." "I love you too Max...call me when you're done." "Okay."
• Return to feeding Lauren, sit down, when Max yells "MOM!" "I'm done!"
• Return to Max, wipe his bum and wash my hands.
• Return to feeding Lauren, who is no longer interested.
• Put her on the floor to play.
• Give Max his cup of milk.
• Get my coffee out of the microwave...it's cold.
• Grab a couple of ice cubes and try for iced cofee instead.

Brookenstein

The only way I can think of to describe Brooke's smiles, is a quote from a movie...

"She has 600 different smiles. They can light up your life. They can make you laugh out loud, just like that."

She laughs and smiles quickly and readily, which encourages people to respond to her wherever we go.

When you pick her up, you have to be careful not to do it too quickly, as the momentum can almost make you launch her airborne, as she feels so light. In actuality, she is not. She is in between the 75th and 90th percentiles for her height and weight. Nevertheless, she is quite compact and muscular. She has washboard abs and it's easy to misjudge her size. She will cling to you like a spider monkey, either burying her face in your neck or confidently facing outward, for a bird's eye view.

She has been standing since she could sit. When we first started to pull her into a sitting position, she immediately crunched her tummy muscles and locked her little legs in place, amazing us all. She has been standing ever since. She crawled the same day that she sat up on her own with support and she pulled herself up into a standing position only 17 days later. All this happened during her 6th month of life. We are expecting her to walk any day now, as she frequently stands without support.

It's hard to get a photograph of her that isn't blurry. She is always in motion. It's hard to feed her, dress her, bathe her and change her diaper...all because she won't hold still. When I put her into her Jumperoo, she starts "jumping" before I can even lower her into it.

Even though she often gets "punked" by Lauren, she has learned to get a few licks in from time to time, as I have caught her flapping her arms on Lauren, in effect beating on her.

Brooke loves to eat the dog's dry kibble food and we must pick it up from the floor often. She is our daddy's girl and just melts at the sight of him. She is cuddly and affectionate when she is in the mood, otherwise, don't restrain her! She will hoot and hollar until you break her restraints.

Brooke is active, social and independent. She is an absolute joy!

Should I Worry?

So Max and I are sitting around, just hanging out together, while the babies are asleep. He is lounging on the sofa, playing games on my iphone and I am sitting on the floor, watching the movie, "Sex and the City."

Max is completely involved in his games and not really paying attention to the movie...or so I think. A scene comes on where Samantha is fixing sushi for her boyfriend and then lays down, naked, arranging the sushi on herself, in anticipation of his homecoming for Valentines day. Anyway, Max happens to look up and asks "what is she doing?" I reply, "she's making sushi and then she put in her naked self as a joke." Then Max says, "I wish I could have shooshi on me when I'm naked too." Should I worry?

Professor Lauren

My girl Lauren is in the 100th percentile for her height and weight. When you pick her up, she is quite substantial to hold. Despite her size, she has a very feminine personality. She has shown a lot of interest in studying her long, slender fingers, undulating them in the air, staring at them intently...as if trying to understand how they work.

She's definitely a "mommy's girl" and is not very happy when I'm absent. It's easy to get a sense of depth, when you gaze into her eyes, which she can do for lengthy periods. People often comment that she is "so serious," when they fail to make her laugh easily. I don't think they notice how intensely they're being evaluated by her, as she fails to respond to their antics and, instead, studies the details of their face. She scares easily and she cries easily.

Lauren is also a thief. She steals everything and anything from her sister. Even if she already has the same item in her hand, she will reach over and take Brooke's away from her, much to Brooke's well displayed dismay!

Lauren is not the squeaky wheel. If I chose a single word to describe her temperament, it would be "chill," because that's how laid back she is. She's content just to hang out, most of the time and does not get into a lot of trouble...so far. She loves to vocalize and practices "bah bah bah..." and "mah mah mah."

She loves laying underneath the electronic birdy mobil, holding the remote control and making it go off and on. She flaps her arms and rocks back and forth with absolute joy when I present her with the Gymbo the Clown puppet.

She's a sweet, sensitive soul...my little Professor Lauren.

This One and That One

Recently, another mom of twins asked me if I called my girls "this one" and "that one." I thought about it for a minute, reflecting back on when they were in utero and I called them Thing One and Thing Two or Baby A and Baby B. As far as nick-names are concerned, my husband and son have started calling our girls "Professor Lauren" and Brookie-Sue." We also call them little "chickens." I couldn't think of any instances when I had called them "this one" or "that one." Then, today, it happened. Not only did I call them "this one" and "that one," but I also refer to them as "the other one."

Me: "Max, can you get me a diaper for this one?"
Max: (bringing back two diapers)
Me: "I didn't need a diaper for the other one."
Max: "Which one?"
Me: "That one (as I point to the baby who doesn't need diapering).

So there was my moment of recognition..."OMYGOD, I call them THIS ONE and THAT ONE!"
How tacky.

Can't Sleep, Must Blog

I've been feeling so guilty about not blogging lately. Even more so, for not journaling about my baby girls...and Max. When Max was around 4 months old, I had started a journal about him. I journaled for two reasons. First, because I needed an outlet to express all my feelings and experiences as a new mother and second, because I wanted him to have a record of himself and to someday know how much he was loved and cherished.

From there, I created a blog, being careful not to clutter it up with any other subject but him. I turned the blog into books, so that if the blog ever ceased to exist, I would have a record of it. I used http://www.heritagemakers.com/ and couldn't be happier with the outcome.

Anyway, my days are full of thoughts about record keeping, blogging, filling out baby books, etc., but the reality is, I just never seem to fit any of it in. It is so overwhelming to take care of two infants and a 4 year old, pretty much all by myself, on a daily basis. A lot of things get redistributed to the bottom of the priority list, almost on an hourly basis. This being said, I'll be darned if I let this time slip away without making a record of it for my children.

So it is with renewed vigor, that I plan to get my butt back in gear. And now, at 3:22am, I will try to go back to sleep, having purged my guilt.

Shit!

Scott told Max,"I said "ship!" Max wasn't buying the story. After Scott and I exchanged wide-eyed glances, we went back to looking at the computer screen. Moments later, Max exlaimed "shit, SHIT, s-h-i-t, ShIt, sHiT, shit, SHIT," etc., etc.

I suppose a more appropriate reaction, as a parent, would have been to correct him for using the word. Instead, we both started laughing (silently, of course). I had to turn my head so that he didn't see that I was busting up. As Max continued to try that word on, for size, I ran for the camcorder. Again, maybe not the most appropriate reaction, but I'm sure it will be cherished in years to come. I haven't looked at the footage yet, to make sure I actually caught my little lyricist, cussing like a sailor. He did look back at me and stopped when he realized I was filming him.

"99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"

I took Max to have an MRI on Monday. This is because he is still walking around like twinkle toes and at his age (over 3 years), it could be an indicator of some thing neural. So I agreed to the MRI as a means of ruling anything serious out.

When I got there, I was unaware that I was supposed to have "sleep deprived" him. I was also unaware that they were going to be giving him an oral syrup to drug him to sleep. Max does not do well with oral syrups. After a lot of production on the doctor and the clinic's part (they practically wanted me to wrap Max up in a straight jacket and force feed it to him, which I would absolutely never agree to), I finally asked them "couldn't I just give it to him in a Sprite?", to which they hemmed and hawed about, before finally giving me the okay. Max drank it right down.

Then they sat us in a closet sized room with a small, padded bench...in the dark...and expected Max to fall asleep whilst I held him. To make a long story shorter, as is common in the 3-5 year range, Max fought like a trooper and never fell asleep. To help facilitate things, they told me to take him for a ride in the car and see if that would do it. On the way to the car, and the reason for this post, Max was flung over the xray tech.'s shoulder, singing like a drunken sailer, his slurred version of "jingle bells." I was surpised not to hear "99 bottles of beer on the wall" come out of his mouth at this point. It would have seemed an appropriate accompaniment with all the stumbling, the head rolling and the singing. I was giggling so hard I had tears in my eyes. Max was sooooo drugged, yet he refused to give in to it.

He finally did fall asleep in the car, but by the time we got him back onto the xray table, he was waking again and we never did get that MRI. Apparently he will need to have a general anaesthesia to do that and I'm not sure that I want to proceed that route.

Max the Dog

Max was outside, in the backyard. He was waiting for some friends to arrive, so that they might go swimming together, in our hot-tub. He was wearing a pair of swim trunks when I sent him out there. When I happened to look out the back door, to check on him, I noticed that he was naked...again...nothing new for Max. But when I noticed his side-to-side gait, I knew something was wrong...

Me: "Max, what are you doing?"
Max: "Nothing"
Me: "Put your shorts back on"
Max: "I can't"
Me: "Why not?"
Max: "I got poopoo"
Me: "Well get in the house and let's get you cleaned up"

The conversation continues in the bathroom...

Me: "What happened? Did you have an accident?"
Max: "No"
Me: "Then why do you have poopoo on you?"
Max: "I pooped like Morgan" (Morgan is our dog)
Me: "you WHAT?"
Max: "I pooped like Morgan"
Me: "On the GROUND?"
Max: "yeah"
Me: heavy sigh

I won't bore you with the details of my lecture about how people use the potty and dogs go outside, on the ground, but I'm hoping we won't have a repeat performance...ever.

Marking His Territory

Max has been such a gentle and affectionate brother to his baby sisters. I can't stand how cute he is with them. He kisses their heads and rests his cheeks on the top of their heads, closing his eyes and rubbing against them ever so softly. Then he looks up and me and exclaims "she smells good."

I'm trying, but failing miserably, not to nag him about his behavior with regards to these girls. I don't want him to feel jealous, alienated or resentful towards them. It's quite hard, because I have to constantly remind him not to jump on the bed (when they are laying on the bed), not to squeal loudly in their faces, sometimes to keep quiet or stop touching them while they are sleeping or trying to fall asleep, etc. He has stormed out of the room a few times when I have shown my aggravation with him.

A couple of days ago I sent him into the baby room to get me a few diapers. Apparently, he couldn't find them, because he came back empty handed. When I got up to fetch the diapers myself, I noted that the carpet was wet, in front of the changing table. When I asked Max about it, he ran into another room, just before announcing that it was "pee-pee." I lost my patience and yelled at him before sending him to his room, where I told him to go to sleep (it was late anyway, but Max doesn't yet sleep in his bedroom, by himself). I felt awful afterwards. He was asleep in about two minutes. After he fell asleep, I picked him up and carried him back to my room, because I couldn't stand to have my sweet, impish, little man banished.

I wondered if it was a coincidence that he peed in their room or if he was simply marking his territory. Max has experimentally peed in other places before, so it wouldn't have been the first time he emptied somewhere inappropriately. On the other hand, I have read stories about children reacting to a new baby in exactly this way. Maybe I'll never know, but I do know that I need to step up my efforts to make sure Max doesn't feel like everything he does is wrong.

An End to "The Pregnancy"

I'm not sure if these photos really look so different in the belly area. The first was taken on July 8, this year, the morning that I delivered my twin girls. The second picture was taken on August 18, 2004, the day before I delivered my son. Max weighed 8lbs., 6oz. and the combined weight of my girls was 13lbs., 2oz. The difference felt huge to me. It's kind of like having that little piece of popcorn hull stuck between your teeth...even though it's quite thin, it feels like you have a 2 x 4 piece of lumber stuck there. I was definitely more bloated this time around too.

Anyway, my girls were born on July 8 at 12:23pm. They were taken from my body via c-section. That was no fun at all. I suppose actually going into labor wouldn't have been much fun either and I don't know, for sure, which would have been the lesser of two evils. The weight of the babies crushing all of my organs while I laid flat on my back was incredible. I thought I was going to have a panic attack, because I wasn't able to breath sufficiently, in that position. Then, when the assistant surgeon started to actually PUSH on my stomach to get the babies out while my OB pulled...all I could do was try and psych myself into remaining "there" and not passing out.

After spending two days in the hospital, we were all ready to go home. Brooklyn had a little trouble with her sucking abilities and both girls had lost a little weight. Both were within normal ranges. I had become slightly anemic, but also got the green light to go home. Within 10 days of being home, I've lost 40 pounds out of 40 gained.

At home, things have gone surprisingly smooth. I have a wonderful mother and mother-in-law who have been by our sides to fill in the gaps and lend a loving hand. My husband was able to take two weeks off from working and having him home was so nice. It really completed our family and Max got to spend some special times with his dad.

Both girls are good sleepers and I've been able to get much more sleep than I ever did when Max was a baby. I have them sleeping in a Pack n Play, set up like a bassinett, on my side of the bed. They are about two feet away from me, at most. Max is still sleeping in our bed with us. I don't plan on transitioning him to a bed of his own until it's clear, to him, that it has nothing to do with his sisters coming into our lives and displacing him. And we really do like him being there, with us, anyway.

We've already noticed some differences between the two girl's personalities. Lauren is more laid back and Brooklyn is a bit fussier. Lauren is also quieter and Brooklyn makes all kinds of squeeky sounds. Lauren didn't move around nearly as much as Brooklyn did while they were in utero, and things seem to be consistent there as well. I can't wait to see how these girls will be different and how they will be similar.

I'm just so in love with these baby girls, their brother and their father, that my heart feels full everyday.

1 Day Left

I'm so happy I can't even express it.
I'm doing the happy dance all day long (on the inside, of course).
I'm even looking forward to meeting these babies!!!
I havn't much else to say about any of this, just that I think they are happy where they are and would probably stay in there for the full 40, if I were to let them. No thanks. So, happy birthday, in advance, to my two baby daughters!!!

A Little Experiment-3 Days Left

So last night, or was that this morning? I guess it WAS this morning, technically. Scott got home around 3 or 3:30am and had jumped in the shower. The poor thing was slapped, spit-on and scratched by some transient woman from the train on his overtime shift and he wanted to make sure he was germ free before getting into bed with Max and I (bless his poor, grossed out heart...lol).

Since I usually wake up at this time each night, to engage in a couple hours of scratching my itchy rash and applying useless creams, I thought I would try something different. A shower!!! And some selsun blue!

Well, I don't know if it's going to help anything, but I'm going to do this every day until I have these babies to see if it does. I guess there's no reason to think it will. It's not as if this rash is any kind of fungus. Still, I feel better about trying something than trying nothing. So I sudsed up with Selsun Blue all over my itchy back, legs, arms, etc. The scrubbing/sudsing action felt good, if nothing else.

Just Kickin Back-4 Days Left

A very uneventful 4th of July today. We did nothing to celebrate. Scott worked and I spent the day hanging out with Max and my Mother-in-Law. It was really nice.

After showing me the newest batch of clothing she picked up for the girls, she unloaded almost all the stuff I had left on my baby registry too...lots of Born Free bottles, a travel wipe warmer, some formula canister/carriers, the cutests diaper bag ever and plenty of other miscellaneous items! This woman spoils me to no end!

We also discovered that I had NOT packed up a sufficient diaper bag, as I thought I had, so she helped me with that too. That was fun, because I got to load up the new diaper bag with some clothing and swaddling blankets for the ride home, some really cute, teeny-weeny diapers and whatever else a diaper bag would need.

So today was really relaxing for me and it was nice to just lay low, with some good company.

Nothing new to report on the baby-front. Everything's holding steady.

The Wisdom of Men-5 Days Left

Today was the last appointment with my OB/Gyn until my surgery next Tuesday. He checked my amniotic fluid and made sure everything looked good on his prehistoric ultrasound machine.

Then we discussed all my current "symptoms." I don't have a bladder infection, even though it feels like it. That's good. Feeling like it is still bad though. He said the babies are pressing on it. Nothing we can do about that.

The fluid in my lungs: Nothing we can do about that either. I've already gone through two rounds of steroid and antibiotics. It's probably just a factor of all the liquid/fluid/mucous that's a normal part of pregnancy.

My edema: Looks the same in my feet and legs, but he did comment on the pedicure I got yesterday afternoon. In my belly, the same too. He did manage to focus on the most painful areas to do his ultrasound, so by the time he was finished I wanted to slap him.

I have lost 4 pounds since my last visit with him, which was one or two weeks ago. I can't remember right now and I'm too lazy to look it up and be accurate. In any case, he thought it was probably from further cutting out sodium from my diet. I don't know. Wouldn't my edema have improved? Oh well.

The PUPPP rash: It continues to get worse. My back is completely covered in itchy bumps. His explanation for why I can't have the prescription strength hydrocortisone cream was..."I think you would bathe in the stuff, if I gave it to you" and "I would give it to you if it was just isolated areas, here and there, but the rash is too widespread for that kind of application." So basically, my rash is too BAD for treatment. If is wasn't nearly so severe, he would treat it???????? The wisdom of men never fails to amuse me.

No More NST's-6 Days Left

Yesterday was the last NST I will have to have at the hospital. I still don't know how I managed to get a win on that one with my doctor. I didn't want to keep the appointment I had for that one yesterday, after looking at some of my insurance EOB's. It's costing us just over 50 bucks a pop for these monitorings, twice a week. That doesn't even include my doctor visits, perinatal ultrasounds, gestational diabetes appointments or any lab work. I shudder to think what these past two months are costing us in medical bills and we have excellent insurance (pays out at about 90%).

Anyway, because they are always so uneventful and so difficult for me to just walk through the parking lot and hospital, I had started complaining about these appointments. I do have one last appt. with my OB, so he can ultrasound me there and check on me one last time in his office.

I also asked him for a prescription strength hydrocortisone cream for this rash, but he says it's not safe. Argh! I have read about other women being prescribed prescription cream for their rash. My doctor is a great advocate for these babies, but he doesn't do diddley for me. Man, this is one really great example of needing a female doctor who can actually relate to a pregnancy. This guy just doesn't get it. I know of cases where the doctors have delivered because the mother was having lots of symptoms and discomfort, but not him.

So I'm spending a good deal of my day scratching still. The rash continues to spread. Most of what I do for relief still does nothing. He suggested I try the oral Benadryl every 4 to 6 hours, but that's just going to put me to sleep all day. Not that I would mind, but it's kind of hard to hang out with a 4 year old while you're nodding out. Oh yeah, and I still have a few apts. to keep, albeit not the NST's.

The lower part of my belly still feels like it's inflamed and infected, although I know it's just the edema. I still can't even touch that area without it hurting quite a lot. And it's in the way too. I can't wear anything around the belly and I can't wear anything that sits right under it. So all I can wear now are loose dresses. The nurses always comment on how sore it looks when they are hooking monitors up to me.

Probably the most recent development is that it hurts to pee. It's starting to feel a little like a bladder infection. I don't know if it's just because the babies are so big and low now or if I could actually be developing a bladder infection. I guess I will mention it at my next OB apt. on Thursday.

I had a couple of crowns put on my teeth yesterday and the dentist made a suggestion that I eat some dairy with acidophilous in it. I guess she said my tongue looked a little "yeasty." I guess that wouldn't surprise me after being on two rounds of anti-biotics, back to back. Ugh.

At this point I have considered asking my husband to take a little time off on the front end of these babies coming, but I haven't gotten around to mentioning it yet. I guess I'm still trying to hold out.